The Boss's Guide to Being the Ultimate Douche

If you're an adult in your mid-20's and up, you've probably had more jobs than you can count. I know I have a few under my belt. And no matter where you go, it's almost always the same thing. The boss is a douche.

The question becomes... where do these people with the power trips learn the art of being a douche bag? Is there a school somewhere that they secretly go to when they get that promotion to "supervisor"; "director"; "team leader"; or when they start their very own business and become "the owner"?

Here are a few rules I really believe must be in their douche bag guide:

1. Yell at your employees loud enough for the whole floor to hear you. 

If you're employee has made an error such as a typo or their math was a digit or two off, make sure everyone knows it. It's the only way they'll learn never ever to do it again. Yell as loudly as possible. If the next floor up or down hears you, then you know you've really gotten your point across. And if you can throw in some insults like, "Are you stupid?!?!?!?" then you're really doing a great job!

2. Make promises you never intend to keep.

Promise your employee an incentive and then never ever give it to them.  Just keep giving them excuses as to why you haven't given them the incentive just yet.  For instance, you promise an employee a promotion, and after a month they're still waiting, tell them... "Oh there just isn't work in that department just yet... but as soon as it starts coming in, we'll process the paperwork."
Then when the work starts coming in for that department, "Oh yes, we're going to give you your first duties in the next couple of weeks  days."
When you still haven't given them the position, "Oh we may have lost funding in that department but as soon as we get it back, we'll make sure to put you as our first choice in that position..."

3. Tell your employees you are doing one thing and then make sure to do the complete opposite!

Tell them that you're giving them the blue case and then give them the red one the very next day.  And don't explain yourself.  You want to make sure your employees are as confused as they come.

4. Rant and rave about politics every single day during elections

You want to make sure your employees know where you stand politically and that they may get fired if they don't side with you.  Post pictures of your preferred candidate and send emails to your employees reminding them that they may lose their job if they don't choose the "right" candidate.

5. Sexually harass your employees

If your employee is hot, you should make sure you make your moves! I mean, you'll never know whether or not they're interested if you don't take the chance.  And if they threaten to sue you, make up some lies about how you merely wanted them to work for you in some other business you own and you were trying to see if they were fit for the position.  Make sure you copy every one of your other employees into that email!  They should know what kind of sleaze you are, in case they're interested! You never know who may take the bait! Hey! You may get lucky! *wink wink*

6. Choose an employee you find easy to bully

Who rubs you the wrong way? Is it that girl who wouldn't sleep with you when you asked her to be your S&M partner? Or was it the employee who asks questions during meetings because you're never clear about what you want them to do?  Well, whoever it is, make sure you make their lives a living hell while they work for you.  Check on every single one of their mistakes (i.e. anything from being one minute late to not having labels on their folders) and call them every two seconds even if they're 2 feet away from your desk.

7. Treat your employees as if they were your own personal assistants

Too tired or lazy to pick up that folder at your feet? Call them over to your office to pick up a folder that is sitting at your feet.  I mean, what else can they be doing anyway? Work? Please.  See them going to lunch? Ask them to get you something in the opposite direction of where they're picking up their lunch and make sure it's a difficult order.  Need to mail something out? Ask your them to go to the post office for you during their lunch break!

8. Ask your employees to do degrading things for you.

Remember that girl that you sexually harassed earlier? Well, how about you ask her to pluck your eyebrows since you need a clean up?  You'll save those $3 dollars the threading salon down the block is asking for and you won't have to tip.  Do you have an embarrassing jagged nail that got caught on something? Maybe you want to have one of your corporate slaves  workers file it down for you. 

9.  Never give out raises or bonuses

All the extra money in your budget is to use as you please.  Do you really want to divide it evenly between your employees when you can just use the money for another client event that your fellow peers can benefit from?  Or don't you think the money would be better suited to use for prize money for that employee holiday event your company holds every year? You know the raffles are rigged for your benefit, so why indulge your employees?

10. Give them attitude

If an employee asks you a question, give them a nasty look and spit out, "What?!?"  They'll be sure never to ask you another question again which saves you the trouble from having to lie to them, change your mind about something or yell at them.

Can YOU think of anything else to add?


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