Let Go or Hold On?
The other night I made the best home made mojitos in the world and popped in a classic... Sex and the City: The Movie... Alcohol really does inspire the most interesting and thought provoking conversations....so does a good old fashioned chick flick...
During this awe inspiring theatrical performance, we learn our favorite main character ever, Carrie Bradshaw has waited 10 long years for the love of her life to pop the question. That definitely simmered in my brain for a bit and started a storm of thoughts regarding how anyone could wait 10 years for anyone to pop any question. Isn't 10 years too friggin' long? How much do you really have to love someone to be nonchalant about waiting 10 friggin' years for a proposal? Or are you just not interested in getting married? I mean... that's okay... but 10 years???
This made me think about my own "romantic" history (or "unromantic" history if you will). I can honestly say that I've been head over heels in love with one person in my life. I would have given and DID give almost anything for this person. I remember being home and cooking and having this person come home early from work and being sooooo happy to see them... as if I hadn't seen them in weeks when in reality I'd seen them that morning. I remember almost every single smile, kiss... I can even remember his scent. On the other hand, I also remember all of the pain... all of the trouble... all of the drama.... did I mention the pain? I can tell any one of you out there, that as good as it felt to be sooo in love, I don't think I ever want to feel like that again. Never... ever... again. That was 3-6 years of on and off crazy... No other way to describe it.
Yet... here I am contradicting myself and thinking about how what I remember the most during that mess of a relationship, is that I missed out on probably the ONLY chance I had to be with someone that I've had feelings for now for..... 16 years? Okay.... more like 19, almost 20 years.... Confused yet? During a break with the man mentioned above, I was randomly contacted by my childhood sweetheart. I hadn't heard from him in years and he managed to get a hold of me. He couldn't have had better timing.... or the worst timing... I haven't decided yet. Unfortunately, I had unfinished business with who I thought was the love of my life (and may very well have been at this point in my life) and couldn't pursue anything with this person from my childhood but I really wish I would have known then what I know now. This guy could very well be THE one that got away.... or maybe I got away from him?
The point is, this 19 year unrequited love has turned into a tragic telenovela. It's practically impossible and may never happen. Too many things have happened, and we've lead entirely different lives. We've loved different people, we've made lives for ourselves or with others that just don't match up and we just continue to add barriers to keep us further apart and it's just ridiculously unlikely he and I will ever be. So when do we give up the hope? When do we decide that we're tired of pulling each others strings and expressing our love for each other at a distance? When do we (or I) finally decide that we don't love one another anymore and that we need to just let go? When will someone else come along and make us forget one another when 19 years have passed and we still hold on to something.... whatever that something is. And most importantly, is this love only real to us (or maybe just to me) because we've never actually had the opportunity to be with one another? I can tell you it sure does feel real. It always has. It's never been more painful then I've allowed it to be... and really nothing can be any more painful than that relationship I described above. But when do we just give up?
How long should we hold on to something that may never happen before we just decide to let it go and never look back?
Don't misunderstand... this "thing" we have between us has never stopped us or hindered our ability to start up relationships with others. But since those relationships have never worked out.. this is always where we find ourselves. Seeking some sort of comfort, at a very long distance, from one another.
So, do I have a right to judge Carrie for waiting 10 years for the man she loves to propose to her? I think it's fair to say no. Not when I've waited nearly 20.