Eggs In a Basket

If you would've seen me four months ago... going into work... hair uncombed in a hat... 15 lbs lost... dark clothes, baggy.... miserable.... you would've never imagined where I'd be right now.
You may have predicted I'd be another 15 lbs down, floating around in my clothes and moping around the house and the office.

Thanks to my family, friends and my anger (rather than my broken heart), I was able to push through and move on.
Granted, that disaster of whatever it was that took place over 4 months (and technically 23 years),  was not enough for me to continue to mourn a friendship lost... but it is what it is. I've met new people, reconnected with some old friends that I've missed so much and I've been enjoying as much of my life as possible without going broke (yet).  I've even gone on a few dates here and there.

It's funny what time can do.

However, a shadow of what occurred a couple of months ago still remains.  And I am still skeptical and cynical of everyone that comes my way.  Shower me with compliments and I'll believe every one.  I have no problem with confidence these days.  While I'm not perfect, I'm fully aware of who and what I am and everything I have to offer.  Anyone would be lucky to be graced with my presence.

What I have a problem with is trust.  And anyone who knows me and everything I've been through... all the roller coasters... all the nonsense, totally understands where I'm coming from.
I am currently working on my trust issues, but it's hard.  I think I probably just have  unrealistic expectations.

It's especially hard when for the first time in months, I feel a certain way about someone new and I can't possibly pinpoint why.  Is this transference?  Or could it be something more?  I consulted with one of my closest friends, my personal therapists, if you will... and she told me to just lay down all of my cards... put all my eggs in a basket and say, "this is who and what I am... good with the bad... take it or leave it.  If you choose to accept it, then great... and if not, then your loss.   Let's not play games..."

There's nothing about doing that, that sounds easy.  But realistically, that's the best thing I can do.  Lay my cards out, and if you don't want it, then both of us can move on before either one of us feels ANY which way.  Because as of right now... all we have is chemistry.. and that's certainly not enough to base anything on... as you well know.

So for the very first time, in years.... or maybe even ever... I plan on doing just that.  This is who and what I am, take it or leave it.  If you're not interested in what I have to offer, then just walk away now.... And if you are, then let's just see where this goes.  No games, no lies... just us as we are.

After all, I have absolutely nothing to lose.


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