Stone

Around this time last year, a person very close to me - who later became the biggest mistake of my life - told me that he was concerned that I had become "stone".  That I had no feelings, and that he was worried that nothing would ever affect me.  He went on to say that he wished he wasn't in the situation he was in so he could show me how fulfilling my life would be with him in it.

Needless to say, for those of you who know, that didn't turn out as lovely as he made it sound.

Thinking back, I wasn't "stone" at the time and had never truly been emotionless.  At the moment, I had just accepted the fact that I was single and that I'd have to just make adjustments in my life to enjoy my own company without relying on anyone else.  While we tell ourselves that many times when we're on our own, most of the time we're not truly there.  And that was one of those times that I was just trying to convince myself that I was.  Again, we all know how that ended up.

Earlier this year after going through the biggest and hardest heartbreak ever, I promised myself that I would always put myself first regardless of the circumstances.  That the only person whose feelings mattered were mine and that I shouldn't bother caring about anyone because, let's get real... who in the world is sitting around busy caring about me?

Exactly.

No one.

The way I find our world working, is that we all fend for ourselves no matter the circumstances.  We are brought into this world alone, we struggle alone, we die alone.  And really is there anything wrong with that?  Is my own company really all that bad?  I mean, I'm the most reliable person I know, right?  I know I can always count on me and I'll never let myself down unless I want to.

So when I recently decided to make some changes to better myself, I also decided maybe it was a good time to start putting myself out there again.  Not because I want a mate or companion -- because trust me, that's the furthest thing from my mind-- but because meeting new people and being in the presence of others is refreshing and mind opening. You learn so much from others and you have stories to tell later on.

Unfortunately, I'm finding that this is not working out the way I thought.  When you put yourself "out there" so to speak, and you start to exude a certain amount of confidence and independence you probably didn't exude before, you attract those people you wanted to attract before but want nothing to do with now... You follow me?  For instance, those men who want long term relationships/wives, all of a sudden come out of the wood works, and here it is, I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend or spouse or maybe I do... just give me some room to breathe because really, right now I just want to "be."

Or those men that seem to think you have "pendeja" written on your forehead and just want to get laid.  There's nothing wrong with the latter part of that, but telling me what you believe I want to hear just to "get some", is not going to work out too well for either of us in the long run.

And when I try to explain this to these particular dudes, they automatically assume that because I don't want to be in a relationship that I automatically want to be someone's sex buddy... or that I just want to slut around in general.  That's also not the case.  Now all of a sudden, I'm indifferent, cold hearted... or simply "stone." And if I tell them that I like them, and show them the affection they seek, then they back off and move on to the next.  Because that's just the way it always is.

Is it wrong to just not feel or be ready for something?  I'm not in the right place mentally or emotionally to deal with anyone right now.  My job is overwhelming.. and when I have free time, I really just want to have some drinks, have some laughs or even dinner with friends... whether outside in the city or at home.  I simply don't want to be stressed out worrying about whether I'm adding to someone's happiness.  My happiness is the only thing that matters to me right now.  And if that means coming off as emotionless, or "stone", then so be it.  Why should I be worried about what others think or feel?

Of course, being "stone" has many downfalls.  Because at the end of the day, I am still human and I still feel.  And my emotions are usually all over the place.  And when I encounter someone who brings it out of me, I'm going to hate myself, and them, for letting them get that part of me.  So what do you do? Allow yourself to feel or just keep it moving, pretending there are no strings attached?

I sincerely believe that my only choice is to remain "stone" and to just keep it moving... That way no one gets hurt (and if I am hurt, no one will ever know) and life can just simply go on....



Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Froggy Fridays: The Random Frog

Self Induced Solitude

Unfinished Business