The Goat

How do you know if you're dating or are friends with a goat?

Well, besides their birthday... the following is a list of the most common characteristics goats have - both negative and positive.

When you first meet a goat, they are the most charming individuals.  They are also quite handsome/or pretty but not in an obvious way... usually they have beautiful eyes and enchanting smiles.  A goat will get you right where it hurts and feels good right away.

Goats are also big on affection.  Whether they know you or not, if a goat is attracted to you, they will pour on the terms of endearment and caress your face and your hair in only the way they can. It'll make your hair stand on end and your heart cry just a little bit for more, more, more!

Goats also come off as being overly optimistic and eager in all aspects of life.  Along with this, they tend to be very funny, cracking jokes even at their own expense.  But this, ladies (and gents) is where it gets tricky.

While the optimism and good sense of humor is genuine, they use it to mask the insecurities they have.  Goats are aware of what is physically (and even mentally) wrong with them.  So what they do is they throw their individual flaws into their jokes, in order to get you to try and get you to say, "Awww nooo that's not true..." or "Aww don't say that..." even though YOU know it's true.  But they're so cute and charming, you want to comfort them because underneath it all, you know they need that reassurance.

Goats can be very narcissistic... going on and on about how wonderful they are, how intelligent, how amazing, but really, they are just looking for you to validate those things.  They may not entirely hate themselves as true narcissists do, but they are still trying to mask their flaws or distract you from them by going on and on about the "good" qualities they have.

Because goats are quite narcissistic, they tend to be extra self centered, only thinking about themselves and how situations and people affect them.  Never stopping once to think that, perhaps, other people would like to chime in about themselves and how they are affected by life circumstances.   Only apologizing when they believe that's what you want to hear in order to get back on your good side.  But never truly knowing or caring about what they may have done wrong.

Along with the self centered quality, comes the lack of consideration.  Most goats don't even know what the word means! And it's just not our job to teach them.  Being considerate of someone else's time, energy, feelings, should be a given, regardless of how high they are on that ladder.  It should be an automatic human quality.

Goats are usually pretty intelligent but great at playing stupid.  Pay close attention.  Never sleep on a goat!

Goats never ever listen to anything you say... Remember that part about being self centered? Well, if you ask a goat nicely to leave you alone, they find a reason to communicate with you.  And if you tell them to outright fuck off... they still find a reason to hit you up.  The act of "listening" is also NOT in their vocabulary.

With that all said.. sometimes goats are borderline sociopaths/psychopaths (whatever term is easier for you to remember).  They just don't care about anything or they care about the absolute minimum.  Caring barely makes it into their vocabulary.  And if they actually DO care even the slightest bit, they will go out of their way to make sure  you know it.  Don't wait for it, because if they haven't shown you right away, it's just not happening.

I have to admit that not all goats have all of these terrible characteristics.  I have an amazing family member who is the opposite of all of these things.  When you find a goat that is genuinely kind, caring, loving, etc.  I recommend you do your best to hold on to them with all of your might.
Because THAT is one RARE find!


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