Showing posts from 2014


Sometimes we waste way too much energy on the wrong things. The wrong jobs, the wrong friends, the wrong everything. We want something so basic that when we seek it, we forget to exclude all of the things we don't want, and end up with a hot mess of stress, anxiety and sometimes even drama.  Too much of our life is spent on jobs we hate, people who don't appreciate us, and living within uncomfortable circumstances all around. What we always neglect to realize is it just takes one small decision and we can just simply walk away and start over.  But then there's that chronic fear of the unknown.  Fear that things will be the same or worse... that people will continue to disappoint us or not appreciate us enough... fear that the next job will be more excruciating then the last and fear that we will never find what we're looking for. If only we could stop wasting so much time on being scared and more time focusing on the what if's we would prefer: What if I did

Sex Sells, Own Up To It

Today, I came across something that just irked the hell out of me. To be frank, it's not the first time and it certainly won't be the last. It was this dumb ass post... Here's the problem. This SAME girl, uses waste trainers, posts half naked pics, and her lips were not always as luscious as she portrays.... Never mind how poor her grammar is... I am absolutely sick and tired of how poorly this new generation of young women are representing the rest of us as a whole.  And what's worse are those who encourage them when really all they want to do is crawl into their undies. What are these women doing that's so irritating, you're wondering? They're posting picture after picture of themselves half naked, or completely naked, in bed... standing in front of a mirror etc etc, then following with a post about how they don't need a man or want a man... posting about how fake other women are... posting about how real and independent they are... Bas

Today's Epiphany

I was talking to my "Boricua twin" sister today... and at some point I said something to her regarding working at one job and then running off to the next, where she asked if the two were related. It was a simple question but what she didn't realize was that there was so much meaning behind the question she asked that just set a million thoughts into action. I recently made the big decision to quit my full time job based on many, many reasons but ultimately leading to a huge one... everything about it makes me unhappy.  It doesn't contribute to anything good about my life.  It just stresses me out and doesn't even pay me enough for the type of stress and responsibility it requires. In the process, reality struck in which I realized that I am going to be jobless very soon.  With this thought, I became anxious which is the norm for me, and I jumped at the very first opportunity that came my way.  A regular run of the mill retail job.  While the work is min

Froggy Fridays: The Psychopath

I don't know why, but I have been inspired to write about a frog that I engaged in a very, very, very short lived situationship early on last year (2013).   I've allowed myself to write this because I know he doesn't read this anymore.  Which means his ego can't possibly become any more inflamed. He loved my posts.  And he was dying to be written about.  I wrote a little blurb here or there about him but nothing important enough to give him the fame he so desperately seeks as the struggling musician that he claims to be. The Psychopath to start off with, was a goat.  (See previous blog written last year: Goats).   He was totally everything negative about the goat - self centered, selfish, lacked empathy, narcissistic... need I go on?  I'm positive he ranked at an all time high on the Levenson Psychopathy Scale.  The Psychopath, as mentioned before, was a musician.  He played bass for his band and even wrote and produced some of their unpopular music. He

The Problem with Honesty

We all claim we want honesty... bluntness... straight up realness. But when we get it, we run from it like it's some sort of plague. We shrivel up within ourselves.. push people away... and hide in our pillow and blanket caves and call it a wrap! Whether it's from friends or lovers. True, blatant, straight to the point, poignant honesty is a weapon of mass destruction. Okay, perhaps I'm tapping into my dominant over dramatic side. But it's true. I remember a couple of years ago, I told someone I once considered a good friend that she was making a mistake in her situation and that I didn't want to be part of it.  I told her that I wasn't comfortable attending her event with certain other people who were going to be present and that I couldn't understand how she was inviting people she barely knew and, yet, thinking of shunning those who she was actually close to. Instead of really paying attention to what I was saying, she claimed she didn't u

Now's The Time

A friend of mine recently posted a blurb on one of our many social networks stating that he was going to write a list of things he wants to accomplish now.  He said he doesn't believe in new year's resolutions and never has and that there is no better time to get something done then to start right away. I couldn't agree with him more. I've made a decision recently that briefly threatened to turn my world upside down if only momentarily. It was easily the scariest decision I've ever made in my entire life.  But one that will stick. I cannot disclose the decision just yet but have already started writing a post about it for next week. What I can say for now is that I'm tired of waiting for tomorrow to make things better. Tomorrow to fix something that is broken. Tomorrow to start something new. Why not start right away? Regardless of the risk. Everything we do, every choice we make in life involves some sort of risk. Either we'll lose something,

Back to Black

I have been struggling with my feelings something awful for the past couple of weeks. Trying to convince myself that I don't feel what I know I do, that I'm not thinking what I know I am. It's been awhile since I've been on this kind of emotional roller coaster. Different from the usual because there's no conniving involved this time but I'm experiencing something that's not secure. I can barely trust myself. And being unable to trust my own feelings is absolutely terrible. I have had so many moments in the past two weeks in which I've wanted to say so much right from the heart that I just can't. While so many would encourage me to speak up, it's impossible when you know that if you say what's in your heart you may end up sabotaging everything. Instead, I've been watching myself lose that weak grip I have with these situations and it has me feeling so very sad at times.  If you have to fight so hard internally to hold on to som

NO Means NO

When someone says NO, take their word for it. If they say, "I don't want this." They don't want it. If they say, "I will never blah blah blah again...." Whatever that "blah" is.... they mean it. Even if somewhere underneath all of it, they don't... just trust in that moment, that they do. And if you see them in the future with someone else doing all the things they said they never wanted... it's true. It doesn't make it less true because they are currently involved with someone else. They probably didn't want those things specifically with you and it very simply was not meant to be. It could've been timing as well... The thing is, it wasn't going to be because it couldn't be forced. Always take someone's word for what it is. Do not allow your own thoughts and feelings to alter what has been said to mean something else. People don't change their mind about things once they have set out for something

Miss 20something

I keep seeing these posts on a popular social network of this very particular, moronic, early 20-something year old and it gets under my skin to no end. I'm not going to go into too many details, but it's super irritating not only to see her posts weekly but to see that she deletes them after realizing (at least that's what I think) that she's just plain dumb. What exactly irritates me about her besides the plethora of attention she gets while not really being all that attractive? That she reminds me of me. She goes out of her way to sound educated, and ends up sounding like a complete idiot. And I look at her age - barely legally able to drink - and I think back... did I sound that fucking stupid? I think that there are times at this age, 10 years her senior, that I do. And if I sound that inept now, imagine her words... her lack of vocabulary and the way she butchers her grammar in hopes of sounding like someone wise beyond her years.... It's


One of the biggest mistakes we make when it comes to meeting the new, is allowing the old affect the way we engage with the new. While our pasts give us some valuable lessons, that shouldn't change the way we look at the world or the way we handle everyone around us.  It is unfair not only to  us, but possibly to those that don't deserve that sort of treatment. Usually, a woman scorned becomes heartless. A bitch with no mercy. A woman who is ready to chew up the next 10 men and spit them right out. And somehow feel justified for her actions, simply because she was hurt before. A man who has been deeply hurt will stop caring. To the point that everyone who comes along will pay for those before them. A womanizer, a soulless piece of shit. A monster... And somehow he feels justified because he was hurt before. Readers, I've been plenty...... PLENTY... scorned in the past. In the recent past... in the distant past... all over the place... with the past that does


Tracy did not exactly start off as an alter ego. She was more of a disguise. When I worked at this place called... "Crazyhouse Office"(clearly, not the name of the place but run by a narcissistic drug addicted psycho)... a call center I was working 10-12 hour shifts in, we were asked to pick names from a list, in order to make it easier for clients and customers to remember us.  Because clearly, a name like mine is going to get butchered in a million different ways and forgotten within minutes.  Of course, there was some kind of shadiness going on as well, and it was probably best to use aliases.  But that's a story someone else has already written about. The longer I worked at Crazyhouse Office  the more I started to detach myself from "Tracy."  Tracy became her own person.  I started to use the name when I would go out with my friends and I didn't want to use my own name when meeting the usual losers.  Tracy was bold and sexy at night... super polite d


Today, I was opening this sinister envelope and managed to slice the hell out of my hand. It was a shallow paper cut but it still bled and will leave a mark for a couple of days until it's completely healed over. What's really bothersome is that because it's right on the palm of my hand, it's going to take just a little longer to heal than normal because I wash my hands frequently.  So every single time my hand hits the water, I will be reminded by an irritating sting on my hand that just won't go away. Paper cuts are probably the most annoying minor injury you can get.  When they're first inflicted, it feels like you've been sliced by a knife.  But when you see that it's a mere cut, followed by a drop of blood, maybe two, and a bit of a sting, you are only left with annoyance.  While they heal fast, it's just so easy to cut yourself up time and time again by simply opening a book and flipping a page... or ripping open an envelope... I've

Experiencing People

I had a small epiphany today. Actually, I stole the epiphany from Omar. During one of our good ole inebriated conversations, I expressed the desire to investigate some information. She asked me why I even wanted to do that to myself and I really had no answer other than, I'm nosey. See, my investigations always lead to headaches, heartbreak, stress.... severely emotional roller coasters I'd much rather not engage in.  Actually, this week was full of those based on some smaller discoveries made without being in full on investigation mode. She told me a story regarding a situation in which someone who is currently a "good" person, was once not so good.  And advised that, that the viewpoint of anyone that person was involved with in the past, would be  an entirely different from her viewpoint based on the fact that every human relationship whether friendly or romantic relies upon how people interact with one another. Are you lost?  In other words, say, John and J

Friend Zone

There have been several incidents lately where certain individuals have crossed some of my and other women's friend zone boundaries  and I felt like this needed to be addressed. First of all, if you are not carrying an intimate relationship with someone - not necessarily sexual - there are certain terms of endearment you should steer clear from.  Especially, when you've been friends with a person for years and it never once occurred to you to use those pet names before.  If it's become habit, it's okay until you know the other person is dating someone.  If it slips, it's not at all a huge deal, but something where you're having a conversation with that person, and every other word is "babe," "chula," "sexy," "doll," etc... not okay.  I'm going to go ahead and admit that I am absolutely guilty of calling everyone I know "honey."  It initially started because it softened up whatever harsh shit I was about

Writer's Overload

I've been experiencing this strange craze lately where all I want to do is write.  Unfortunately, it hasn't translated into all the work related writing I should be doing.... that I am so very backed up on. No, what I have is writer's overload.  Rather than my typical bout of writer's block where months fly by without a word from me... now, I just want to write about anything and everything.  I guess it's the best way for me to express myself without really having to confront anything head on.  Sort of an escape from the realities of the things I actually have to deal with. Well, I guess if I can't physically run away, I might as well do it mentally. I realize that this overload correlates entirely to the way I'm feeling. What I mean to say is that I am currently on this extreme roller coaster of emotions and all I want to do is let all of my thoughts pour out right out of my mouth... and rather than put myself out there so candidly... I've tak

The Magic is in the Makeup

Today my coworker, Ruby, showed me a video of an average looking woman who went into glamorous mode by applying about a pound of makeup on her face.  Actually, truthfully, the woman was below average, but I figured I'd be polite, because I'm quite positive that there are a couple of someones out there that would find her quite beautiful without the makeup even if I don't. (No. That's not the same woman but a good example none the less) Ruby was surprised by such a drastic change and I, on the other hand, explained to her that make up works wonders and as usual with my "know it all" demeanor, I proceeded to show her some examples.  There's even a No Doubt song (hence the title of this post) that expresses how make up can give you a mask to wear in a tough situation.... cover up the dark circles from all of your sleepless nights... hide the blemishes... the scars... the bruises... every single imperfection. I was never one to wear a lot of makeu

Trapped In My Comfort Zone

I have this amazing soul sister, Samantha, that I'm truly grateful for. Samantha and I have something in common in that, in the past year or two, we've decided to make some serious changes with our lives.  And we did.  No need to put her business out there, but as you know in my case, I started to dip my toes into different life experiences in order to broaden my horizons and maybe find the path I'm supposed to be on. She really has no idea how her own experiences reflect my own and make me really re-evaluate my life in order to make proper life decisions.  Even if momentary. On the downside, she and I have also sort of became just a little less ambitious during the past rough winter we had and I think we're back on our introverted/super shy... "OMG I can't do this.." status.   Last week she mentioned a possible adventure that she has the opportunity to embark on and as usual, I was all "YES! Go for it!"  I'm pretty sure that while

The Healer

I woke up today and promised myself that today would be amazing. It didn't take long for me to break that promise. I saw something that I wish I could un-see. It led to a really dark, depressing thought on my way home while holding on to this image in my head. As is my nature, I guess. After some deliberation...  I thought... what if my sole purpose in life is to heal others? What IF I'm supposed to soak up everyone's else pain so that they can be happy, and free, confident and just all around amazing because I can somewhat tolerate what they can't? What if... I'm here to make everyone else feel better about themselves and only for that reason? A job like that is NEVER ever done.. which means I have another 50+ years of this. Isn't that awful? Because after that thought, what follows is, what about MY pain? I always manage to find a way to overcome the worst of it, but there's always something that tends to linger. Somet

The Man on the Bus

On a typical summer day in NYC... taking public transportation is like... well, kind of like watching a show take place.  There's always either a performance with solicitors looking for handouts... or a performance involving those who like to cause scene. I don't usually mind taking the train or bus, unless it's one of those particular hellish times where everyone is basically standing up against one another (sometimes even unnecessarily).... or there are those times throughout the school year where you're stuck on the train with a bunch of teenagers you know are up to no good.  I'm always watching out for the quiet ones who are conveniently on their phones because usually they're filming something and I'm just waiting for the day they make me famous on a social network for something absurd. In any case, I had quite the interesting ride the other day.  I take the bus to work in the mornings.  On most days it takes about 5-10 mins to wait until th


The moment you start to wonder if you deserve better, you do. Funny how a quote like that can get your wheels turning and give you an interesting way to start your day.  These past couple of days have been an  intense emotional roller coaster for me, and I'm not sure why.  Nothing in particular has happened but my feelings have decided to take over my life for a little bit, apparently.  It's funny really because I wear this stoic mask of calm and underneath everything there are all these waves... tears waiting to pour... hysterical fits of laughter waiting to burst...  Stranger yet is how placid my mind is at these times.  Because logically there's no valid reason for me to feel like this. And when I'm asked what is on my mind I can honestly say nothing.  Because if I allow myself to think, it won't be pretty.  And nothing will turn into everything... Everything will be in my mind all at once. And when those closest to me, insist that I need to think about