Awake

The moment you start to wonder if you deserve better, you do.

Funny how a quote like that can get your wheels turning and give you an interesting way to start your day.  These past couple of days have been an  intense emotional roller coaster for me, and I'm not sure why.  Nothing in particular has happened but my feelings have decided to take over my life for a little bit, apparently.  It's funny really because I wear this stoic mask of calm and underneath everything there are all these waves... tears waiting to pour... hysterical fits of laughter waiting to burst...  Stranger yet is how placid my mind is at these times.  Because logically there's no valid reason for me to feel like this.

And when I'm asked what is on my mind I can honestly say nothing.  Because if I allow myself to think, it won't be pretty.  And nothing will turn into everything... Everything will be in my mind all at once. And when those closest to me, insist that I need to think about placing myself in future circumstances with this or that... I refuse to.  Because I know better.  I just do.  And I lead my own life... not theirs.

You see... We all have a choice to spend our time wallowing in misery or to work our way into happiness.  In the end, it's going to take just as much blood, sweat and tears to get there.   I choose to live in the moment right here, right now and to only place myself in the future with nothing specific and no one specific because that only leads to disappointment.  The only light I see at the end of the tunnel is happiness at whatever cost.  I can't clearly see what's lead me there, but I know somehow I'll make it.  And dwelling on the desires and expectations others have of me...for me... is never going to get me anywhere. 

I almost... almost... made an error this week that I've made many times in my life.  And that was giving myself pause due to my overwhelming feeling of hope.  What I woke up today realizing, was that it was and usually is, false hope.  Hope of what will never be, no matter what I do to try to change that.  Thankfully, this pause didn't last more than one week.  I woke up from the fog and even though it's stings just a little bit, I know exactly what needs to be done next regardless of the consequences of my actions or inactions... depending on how you look at it.  A simple glimpse at something raw.. something real... and I snapped right out of that fog.  

And now here I am.  
Knowing that the upcoming weeks are filled with things that must get done... 
Work that must be completed...
Trainings that will be attended...

All in hopes of bettering myself... and getting out of this hole and finally, realistically moving on from this hell I've created for myself.  It's time to put out the fire and move into the light.

Because I do deserve better.
Don't we all?



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