I woke up today and promised myself that today would be amazing.
It didn't take long for me to break that promise.
I saw something that I wish I could un-see.
As is my nature, I guess.
After some deliberation... I thought... what if my sole purpose in life is to heal others?
What IF I'm supposed to soak up everyone's else pain so that they can be happy, and free, confident and just all around amazing because I can somewhat tolerate what they can't?
What if... I'm here to make everyone else feel better about themselves and only for that reason?
A job like that is NEVER ever done.. which means I have another 50+ years of this.
Isn't that awful?
Because after that thought, what follows is, what about MY pain?
I always manage to find a way to overcome the worst of it, but there's always something that tends to linger.
Something that holds me back from being at peace.
We can say that it's just another part of me that's assisting in my very own self destruction but when it happens so often and when I'm about 99.9999% sure that what I want most in life is happiness... there's just gotta be some external factor... Something MUST give eventually, right?
Sure, I am momentarily stimulated by this class, or that training, or a movie, book... drinks with friends... the beach... etc etc etc...
But when I look at the greater picture, it's just more of the same.
Another damsel in distress... another diamond in the rough... another person or situation who needs some kind of healing....
And I just can't stop myself.
For a moment, it's gratifying.
And so I do what I can. I encourage, I motivate.... whatever it is I feel is most needed and deserved, I do.
And then, I end up here... just here.
Looking around at nothing.
Because isn't that always what I get left with? Nothing?
And where are they?
I'm not saying that I haven't been fortunate enough to find some longer term gems... but I've encountered more weeds than flowers.
When will I learn and how?
How can I become a self centered, egotistical, selfish bitch and live with that peacefully?
Because after many discussions with my closest friends, isn't that the only way to be truly, genuinely happy?
To become what we most despise?
Will that finally save my ego? My feelings?
Ah but what a contradiction to my post just a couple of weeks ago, huh?
With all of the times that I've had to repair this heart of mine... I think a little bit of darkness is allowed.
I'm only human after all... I can't always be uplifting.