Tracy

Tracy did not exactly start off as an alter ego.
She was more of a disguise.
When I worked at this place called... "Crazyhouse Office"(clearly, not the name of the place but run by a narcissistic drug addicted psycho)... a call center I was working 10-12 hour shifts in, we were asked to pick names from a list, in order to make it easier for clients and customers to remember us.  Because clearly, a name like mine is going to get butchered in a million different ways and forgotten within minutes.  Of course, there was some kind of shadiness going on as well, and it was probably best to use aliases.  But that's a story someone else has already written about.

The longer I worked at Crazyhouse Office  the more I started to detach myself from "Tracy."  Tracy became her own person.  I started to use the name when I would go out with my friends and I didn't want to use my own name when meeting the usual losers.  Tracy was bold and sexy at night... super polite during the day.
Tracy was.... well, she IS very upfront about her feelings verbally.

When I needed to tap into Tracy mode, she came through full force.  The problem is that while Tracy is a part of who I am... there is still the shy, introverted person that I, Ishanie, have always been.  And while I've found a balance of both personalities, so to speak (I haven't been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder just yet...), I've been losing Tracy lately to my fears.  What I have to remind myself of was the fact that I AM Tracy.  I made her, she is my creation.  She is ME, I am her.

Last night while talking to a friend I hold close to my heart - despite our differences - we were talking about his next big move and  then my plans for the future.  He asked me what was holding me back.  I had NO good answer to his question.  I thought back to all the big moves I have made and realized that all of the things that I created in Tracy, were all of the things I needed to tap into to confront all of my fears and move ahead in my plans.  His question was exactly what I needed to hear and at the perfect time.

Finally, I've taken the first step towards bigger goals and have been taking baby steps throughout the week.  Especially with the news that workplace is going to undergo yet another makeover that I just can't handle.  I can say with confidence that I am grateful to my support system - family, friends, old and new additions... but I can also give some thanks to Tracy because without "her" I wouldn't have found the courage to go after everything I want.


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