Back to Black

I have been struggling with my feelings something awful for the past couple of weeks.
Trying to convince myself that I don't feel what I know I do, that I'm not thinking what I know I am.

It's been awhile since I've been on this kind of emotional roller coaster.
Different from the usual because there's no conniving involved this time but I'm experiencing something that's not secure.
I can barely trust myself.
And being unable to trust my own feelings is absolutely terrible.

I have had so many moments in the past two weeks in which I've wanted to say so much right from the heart that I just can't.
While so many would encourage me to speak up, it's impossible when you know that if you say what's in your heart you may end up sabotaging everything.

Instead, I've been watching myself lose that weak grip I have with these situations and it has me feeling so very sad at times.  If you have to fight so hard internally to hold on to something that you barely have, what will it be worth in the end?

That is what I'm left with.
A struggle I have an easy solution to when observed from an outsider's perspective but one I'm not willing to part ways with yet.

Ironically, I remember telling someone 4 months ago that no matter how hard they try to control their own feelings, sometimes their heart will override their mind because as they say, "The heart wants what it wants..." And here it is, it is my heart that's overridden any logical/rational thoughts I've had.  Now I'm left with a difficult choice.

One that I need to make sooner than later.
Oh how it sucks to be an adult.



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