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Showing posts from 2015

What's Missing?

It's almost December.
Another year has flown right on by.
And here I am.

I have a job.
I have PLENTY of clothes to wear.
I have plenty of food (Lord knows I do).
I have a job I can tolerate and pays the bills.
And a side job (thanks to that ZIN license)... that I'm forever grateful for.

But I can't help but feel like something is missing.

I'm working on this whole Personal Legend thing.
While that's in the works, it's a process.
That's just not something that's going to happen overnight.
And right now, I have writer's block, so that's on hold.

What's missing?
I'm not 100% sure.
I thought it was a relationship or a family or something...
But let's be honest.
We probably all know those are not things I was made for.

I've got some new frog stories to tell.
I figure I'll end the blog this year with some jokes.

And as for the rest...  I guess the new year will fill in the blanks.
Stay tuned....

Never Settle

Dating is such a catch.
We can find someone who is good at the core of their being and you can be good at the core of yours, but then it may turn out that you're not attracted to them or them to you.  Or that there's something lacking.

I've been telling people on a regular basis.
Just because the person is a good person, doesn't mean you're meant to be with them.
That doesn't mean, that we intentionally seek people that are bad.
It simply means that we are not always compatible with other "good" people and that no matter how flexible we try to be, at the end of the day it doesn't work because there's something important to us that's lacking.

Some semi-decent men out there claim that "nice guys finish last."  Well, it may be true that nice guys finish last but it has nothing to do with us wanting "bad" guys.  There's a huge difference between being a good person and being a nice one.  I've dated many "nic…

The Ex Misconception

There is a HUGE discrepancy in the way our potential and future mates envision what our ex's were like.

They assume that because a relationship ended badly, that the ENTIRE relationship or situation-ship was bad.  And so these newbies come into the picture saying things like, "Oh I'm super considerate, generous, etc.  You will find that I am nothing like anyone you've ever dated."

Negative!

Just because things ended badly, doesn't mean things were always bad.

Whatever and whoever my ex-whatever's were at their core, they didn't show me that side to them immediately.  It was when they began to show me how ugly they were (not all of them were ugly or bad people by the way), is when things began to deteriorate or ended immediately.

Just because the last situationship was involved with someone for an ex-amount of years, doesn't mean he was a total dick to me throughout our whatever you want to call it.  I reclal a time he brought me soup when I was …

New Old Me

If some of you have been keeping up, a couple of years ago, I had a personal transformation.
It was a mixture of life changes that brought me there. 
And after three serious heartbreaks (overall I'd say that's not awful), I have been up and down. 
At a young age, I was probably one of the most insecure women in history.   I'm nearly 34 now (yikes!!!!) and I can tell you that while I have my regular ups and downs, I am much further now than I was 10 years ago... 
In the past two weeks, I've had constant reminders from my closest family and friends that I have come a very long from the person that I used to be.  
Somewhere along the line in that last hysterically insane "situationship" I was involved in, I totally lost my way (again... let's face it... ).  I forgot who I was and what I've evolved into.  And while that pause was a somewhat long one, I promised myself in the past 2 weeks that I would snap out of it. 
On Sunday, Sept. 13, I woke up and si…

Start Over Once More...

I don't quite remember the moment in which I gave up.
But somewhere along the way... that's what I did.
I gave up on my love life when I put myself in a situation in which the person I spent almost an entire year with couldn't even give me the minimum amount of respect or honesty.
I gave up on my career when I quit not one but three jobs back to back because I simply didn't want to do it anymore.
I gave up on my health when I decided that it was okay to eat junk food in order to replace real meals.

I gave up.
And I don't remember the instance in which I made all of these bad decisions and thought it was okay to carry on.

I reasoned with myself.
That everything would work itself out.
That I wanted all of these things and that somehow it would all magically come together.
But I allowed too many things to transpire.
Accountability.

I allowed things to happen that should have never ever happened.
Somewhere along the line I forgot who I was and I settled for so much les…

Indifference

Today, as I was typing in a username into my IG search bar... a totally different person popped up than the one I was looking for.
A person I could not stand.  A person who I nearly let destroy me just about three years ago.
I guess I always knew he'd weasel his way into IG eventually.
His profile was public, so I quickly browsed through his 9 posts and proceeded to block him.
What I found funny was my lack of feeling towards him.

While I am sure I never want to have anything to do with this individual, ever again, I also feel that had he reached out, I would've been very nonchalant.

And trust me.. had I left him unblocked, he would've certainly reached out eventually.

Perhaps it's because I'm currently indifferent having had moved on... greatly.... after that hot mess.
But mostly I think it's that I just don't hold grudges.
I'm sure if I think about him too much, I'll find something about him that'll piss me off.
But truthfully... I don't …

Strength In Words

I write sometimes to see if I can find strength in my own words.
Today is one of those times.

I woke up this morning to a message from the Manipulative Marine's ex-fiancee.
If you look through my Froggy Friday's you'll know who I'm referring to.
Anyway, it was a quick greeting and reminder of what happened very early last year.
The very young woman (I believe she is all of 19 years old) has recently gotten married to whom she believes to be the love of her life.
Regardless of my opinion on that matter, the truth is, I wish her nothing but well deserved happiness and prosperity.
A nice little reminder of a little something we both got through in a sense.

While some part of me is actually happy for someone else's happiness, today is one of my weaker..... not so happy days.
A day I feel exhausted for absolutely no reason other than this entire year has been... tiring.
Emotionally and mentally exhausting all around.

I try not to dwell on these days.
I look for things…

Moments of Love

I was thinking today that I've spent a good portion of my 33 years mourning the loss of the people I've loved.
But when I look at the big picture... even if things didn't work out with those people.
Even if eventually they did me wrong in some way.
Or they believe in their version of the story, I did them wrong...
For at least a moment in time, I knew what it felt like to actually be loved.

Perhaps, it wasn't HOW I wanted or even needed to feel loved.
Perhaps, it wasn't a conventional way to love a person.
But I knew they loved me even for a moment, a day, an hour, a second...
I felt it in a look, a touch, a hug, a kiss... and sometimes in the tone of their voice.

Not many people know how it actually feels to be loved.
Not because they haven't been loved but because they spend so much time trying to block it out.
Fighting against it and wasting so much time worrying about those who don't worry about them that they didn't stop and appreciate the love tha…

Stripped

Over the weekend, I went to a Zumba Jam Session.
It's a 3 hour session for licensed instructors, in which you re-learn a specific genre of dance fitness taught during their trainings... in this case, reggaeton.
I love attending jam sessions because as today's ZJ said, you get to completely strip down to the very basics... the very core of the rhythim...  and once those things are mastered, you can add your own flavor and see what works for you.

Isn't that something we can all apply to our every day lives?
When we encounter some sort of emotional or mental crisis, the best thing to do after the grief passes is to strip right down to the basics, re-learn the skills we were taught in our upbringing to adapt to change and cope with all life circumstances.

"Problems are not the problem; coping is the problem." ~ Virginia Satir 

My grief this time around has lingered a bit longer than the last time with the events that transpired with the Lowest of Them All.  The diffe…

Froggy Fridays: The Overly Sensitive Frog

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It was once upon a Friday when I went out with this man.
We met up at local chain restaurant.
I must admit, my heart wasn't in it.
It actually wasn't in it for any of these upcoming stories, actually.
I guess I went on these dates as a means to an end to my boredom and prolonged heart break.



Before we went on this date, I was already feeling slightly apprehensive because he wanted to be Facebook friends.  I will admit, after I accepted his request, I restricted his access to my profile.  He could still see everything before I restricted him, but anything I added on, he wouldn't be able to see.
First of all, we don't know each other, so we shouldn't be social media friends.  I don't think ANYONE who in the first stages of dating should be friends on any social media profile.  It's a means to an end, right off the bat.
Secondly, I'm extremely sarcastic, and if you don't know me, you might misinterpret something I post out of humor.
And I was right …

Foundations

I remember laying in bed with Mr. F one morning many years ago...
And I believe we were discussing relationships.
He had this interesting theory that I mostly agree holds true and applies to all relationships, familial and friendships included.

He said he views all relationships as a glass and that each time there is a conflict, whether it be an argument or even the whitest, smallest lie, the glass would crack, little by little.  The bigger the conflict or problem, the bigger the crack, until eventually the glass is completely shattered and irreparable.  (Ironically, the majority of our conflicts were caused by him but that's neither here nor there).

For him, once that glass was cracked, you could continue to move forward and tread carefully and try not to keep making indents... or you could walk away entirely.  However, I realize that he never mentioned anything about maintenance and repair.

Looking back at that conversation now, 11... almost 12 years later, I believe that the g…

Rumor Has It

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My epiphanies are always brought on by several reviews of certain events that transpire previously.
This particular one was induced by one of my usual rants with Omar.
This one came today due to an argument I had with someone (we will call him "the offender) I once considered very near and dear to my heart.  The argument was based on his lie and my reaction to it.





Basically, the omission/blatant lie... whatever you'd like to call it... is based on the fact that I can't stand this particular individual (we shall call her "train wreck) that the offender lied to me about because there's something I know about her, on top of she rubs me the wrong way.  Because of this lie, I reacted in a fit of rage and it caused to me jump to several assumptions about the train wreck and the offender.

Had the truth been told, I may have admittedly made some snide remarks, and yes, I would've been bothered, but I wouldn't have felt an already open wound salted over... I woul…

The Savior Syndrome

Today, I got to thinking about the Savior Syndrome... otherwise known as the Superman Syndrome.
Most of you reading this have heard of this before.   I renamed it because at this point we need to recognize that men are not the only ones who suffer this hot mess of an imaginary disorder.  Many of us women suffer it too.  
I've been known to and have somewhat grown out of it... I have always wanted to help those I most care about and I've had several train wrecks enter my life.  Train wrecks that have taken me for what I can "help" with, I help them get what they want and they still manage to leave my life train wrecks... Mr. F, The Lowest One of All... You get my drift.
But after the Lowest One of All, I've decided that my help would be limited to emotional and mental and that's it. Just because it comes naturally and I can't help myself.  It's not something I seek out.  I much prefer friends and lovers who have their shit together.  At times though, …

Unsolicited Advice: Relationship Woes

As a single woman in my 30's, I have learned that when it comes to friends and their relationships, the best thing that one can do is to keep their opinions to themselves.

All solicited relationship advice is actually UNSOLICITED.  They don't really WANT to know what you think.  Trust me.

No matter how much your friends cry, beg or plead, the best thing you can do at all times, is just keep your mouth shut.  If your friend is bitching about his/her mate and you're not particularly fond of that person, then a couple of cheers here and there, are okay as long as you don't go overboard.  But nothing more.  Because once they make up with that person and they look back at the boisterous comments you made regarding the womanizing dirt bag the dude was, they will start to look at you as a hater and totally forget about the lascivious comments that same dirt bag was making on a social network towards some unknown female.

Stay out of it.
That's the best advice you can give…

Damages: An Ode to the Exes

To those who have inflicted unnecessary pain on their significant others for no reason...
To those who have lied and cheated..
To those who have used emotional abuse as a means of control and power...

Fuck off.

To those who continue on with their lives in a charade of false happiness...
To those who find it necessary to reach out to us when they're feeling empty meanwhile feigning completeness...
To those of you stuck in the past claiming to have moved on....

Fuck off.

To those who play mind games straight out of boredom...
To those who lurk on our social media pages to seek some information for their deranged satisfaction...
To those who continue to tell false stories of us to their new lovers...

Fuck off.

To all of you out there reading this now...
Knowing you have no place in my life...
Just know that no thanks to you I've come upon newer, fresher territory without your help....

And you, dear sir... should simply fuck off.


The Short Return of the Frogs

I was telling this young man recently, that dating in the year 2015, is like playing the lottery.
You might get some numbers, and win a small amount of money... but spend it really fast and have nothing left, you might not win anything at all, or if you're really lucky, you'll hit the jackpot and never have to play again! 
That last one is so very, very unlikely this day in age though.
I am more likely to come across frog after frog after frog... before hitting that jackpot of a prince or even less likely a king... I would even be lucky to come upon a knight or a court jester at this point in my life... just sayin... lol

Well, here I am back in the dating game and in a short period of time, all I've come across are frogs.
Initially, I thought none of them were worthy of their own entries, but as I started writing about them, I figured I could squeeze out a couple of entries here and there for your entertainment and mine.

I don't know if my last attempt of something...…

Bouts of Anger

Last night, on my way home, I was thinking about how very angry I've been over the past 3 months.
Straight up angry.  Somewhat resentful.

There are days where I can let the anger go more than others, but for the most part it's still there.

When confronted by my boss about my feelings, I told him exactly what was bothering me in regards to our work and personal relationship.
The truth is, when I'm feeling extra angry, there is no good way to express myself.
I think we have an understanding now of how I feel and why, and where I'm at with it.
I need to either gather my thoughts (which may take a couple of days) until I can express myself, or just sweep it under the rug.

He's not the only thing that has had me angry.

I have very legit reasons for feeling the way that I do in all aspects of my life.. with people, with situations...
I learned a couple of years back that there are some people you cannot reason with and instead of being confrontational, I've let it …

Riding It Out

I wonder how many people are up right now at this late hour crying into their pillows over a broken heart...?
Be in their first time or their millionth time.

I wonder how many people are sitting in their very own puddles of sadness... wishing that somehow they could have done something to save them the pain.

Maybe, if they hadn't pursued that person/situation in the first place... if they had just left it alone.
Maybe... if they'd only kept everything friend zoned... they wouldn't feel like they've lost pretty much everything for nothing.
If they had just LISTENED to every word being said... even now...

If they had opened their eyes, put their foot down... been a bit more guarded.
Maybe if they hadn't opened up as much or the opposite... maybe if they'd just opened up their mouths and stood their ground a bit firmer...

If they could just go back and change something.

I wonder how many people are crying their hearts out of their eyes, beating themselves up over …

You Can Do Better?!?!?

A while back, I went to visit a very close friend of mine because I needed to get away before I lost my mind.  For most of my time there, I managed to avoid the most obvious question and because this friend has known me for 20 years, I'm sure she knew better than to ask.

After a couple of glasses of wine, of course, I spilled the beans...
But even slightly teased by alcohol, I knew better than to go into detail... you know just the basic, "it just didn't work out but he was quite wonderful" tale......
The uglier details were for me, myself and I and will remain that way until the end of time.
Still she couldn't help but utter the most annoying 4 words I've ever heard in my entire life...

"You can do better."

She meant well and she always has, but you don't know how often I've heard this phrase.
I came back, not feeling refreshed, but I think I came back feeling worse about the situation for a little while.

At my age, I don't think peopl…

Why Are You Single?

I have gotten asked this question countless times throughout my adulthood.

This was an easy question to answer when I was in my teens.
Why was I single throughout my later teen years?
Because I lacked confidence.  My self esteem was at its lowest.
I didn't take care of myself the way I should have and could have because I simply didn't know better.
Which in turn, did nothing for the way I felt about myself.
And because I lived in a place where who I was and what I looked like didn't fit into any sort of norm at the time..
A Puerto Rican teen living in the Poconos - Chubby, wild hair unkempt hair, lazy, totally didn't fit it.

As time progressed, little things changed and when I hit 24, something in me changed.
I met someone who taught me by example how easy it was to stop caring about what other people think and to totally just focus on what I thought about myself.
I changed many things about myself and as time has progressed, going into my 30's, confidence in…

Focusing On Yourself

Over the past month, I've been feeling terrible.
I discovered some news that has made me a little more than unhappy and I'm sure some of you can tell by my posts.
I've continued to tend to my responsibilities and do the things that always must be done.  Because you can't allow certain life situations to destroy the small things you've built for yourself.  But I don't hurt any less.  And when I think I'm having a better day, I stare off into space, completely lose myself and next thing you know, there is the same pain that was there the day before.

How do you deal with disappointment, heartbreak, etc?
I deal with it the best way I know how.
I allow it to just do its damage on my own time.  I try my hardest not to let it affect anyone else and I just keep it moving.  "Keep it moving," by my definition may very well mean laying on the couch all day... but what I'm trying to say is that tomorrow is always another day and if I have plans or respo…

Love and Its Many Complications

I have fallen in love a total of two times in my life so far.
Yes. Only two.
I have loved others but to say that I fell for them... that would be a lie.

There was a difference.
I didn't see a future with them.. some not even the potential of a future with them and I knew I could live without them ultimately.
It didn't matter how much they hurt me, if at all, and that I was saddened deeply by their behavior.
Because the truth is, I'm highly emotional when I don't get my way.
Just being honest!
I wasn't in love with them and I couldn't see past today while I was with them...
Not really.
Nor did I want to.

When you're in love, you see a future, you see potential.  And while your logic knows you can certainly live without them as you did for so many years before they came along, your heart and soul can't fathom it.
There's not one day in your life that you can clearly imagine without them in it in some way.

When you fall in love with someone, you …

Respect, Loyalty and The Value of a Title

These words have been flashing in my head as of the past couple of weeks regarding someone who thinks that titles are a joke.  But in my experience in the past 10 years, titles as silly as you skeptics, cynics and womanizers think they are... are absolutely important.

Without a title in a relationship of any sort, people can easily feel their own validation and justification in doing whatever they feel like doing and then saying, "Well, I told you I wasn't ready for a relationship..." or "I told you we were just friends."

People will find an excuse to do whatever they want no matter what.
Here's the thing, with or without that title, you're gonna do whatever you feel like doing.
In the end, you will feel okay doing it or you won't.
You will feel justified or you will feel guilty, but the title will make no difference in how you handle a situation.
You can marry a person and still cheat.
It won't make a difference if you choose to continue to en…

The Case of the Delusional Ex

Ever have an ex that has a totally different outlook as to what happened between you and them than you do?
I'm not talking about a small discrepancy either.
I'm talking about straight up imaginary versions of what they claimed happened and what they believe your personality to be.

There's Mr. F.... PigPen (oh I've never written about him.. not even worth it)... Big C... and I can go on and on and on... but....

I'll give you an extraordinary example.
I spent a good three years on and off with someone who I did care about.. even loved but wasn't exactly in love with (I realized when the 3rd year rolled around... sometimes when people push you over and over and over again, that shit fades).  The first two years of that was them stating how we were both single and because we were both single and lived separately I should never show up without warning and basically they could do whatever they wanted and suggested that I could as well.  Let's be realistic.  They …

Heartbreak

Today, I got the "pleasure" of listening to a 20 year old's recent heartbreak.
I tried to tune most of it out but couldn't help but hear the key parts and boyyy did her pain hit home.

It's amazing how a 13 year difference is no difference at all.
I felt like I was listening to myself.
While our situations are so different the gist of it all was very much the same.

The only very big difference between a 20 year old's heartbreak and a 33 year old's is that at 33 you know that no matter how horrible the pain is, eventually you'll go on because you really have no other choice.  The world keeps spinning, people keep moving... and so do you.  You still have to get up and face your every day responsibilities and that's it.  At 20, the world has ended and that's it.  You can't see past that.
At 33, you know that you can't see past today but you will see past today... eventually.  At 20, it seems hopeless.

But the pain.  It's the same.  It …

Sleepless Nights

I've become best buds with insomnia over the past couple of weeks.

As is what is normal for me... what I thought was genuine wasn't...
And my world has sort of flipped around yet again.

You would think I would know better by now, but I clearly do not.
Well, no matter, due to excruciating circumstances, here I find myself again.
Such is life.

My thoughts rule my days and nights.
Sleep either comes in segments of 10-14 hours (yes, it's true.. that's not a typo) or it barely comes at all.. and I'm lucky to get 3-4 hours in.

Ah, but we all know this is temporary.
Perhaps leaning on long term this time around but temporary all the same.
I find that the thoughts igniting my insomnia that irritate me the most are the questions that will come later.
And boy am I tired of questions and all I really feel like telling people is to mind their own business and go mind the grass on their own lawns... Because let's face it... some of that grass needs fertilizing.

Have I lost…