Not So Bad

For those of you who actually communicate with me on a regular basis, you know that I've taken a long much needed vacation from work.
When I say vacation... I mean, I quit that God forsaken job I had for nearly 4 years.
I let go of something that was making me miserable ultimately.
I'm not going to get into the details because it's really not even worth talking about.
We'll just say that while work with my teenage clients was actually fun and sometimes even rewarding, all the other nonsense that had to get done was totally not worth the stress.

I've been unemployed since mid December.
And the first couple of weeks were heaven.  Plain and simple.
Sleeping in... doing whatever I wanted.
Going to the gym whenever I wanted.
Not worrying about annoying clients calling me at all hours of the day.
Not worrying about getting texts regarding nonsense that I couldn't really do anything about while on actual vacations... etc etc.

Let's just leave it at that.
It was just a domino effect of fuckery to say the least.

And now I'm FREE.

Well, after the first month and past the holidays, I decided it was time to start looking for a job again.
Something to basically pay the bills.
Something 9-5, weekends off, and little to no hassle during my off hours.
Something that would still allow me to have a life outside of work.

I really didn't even bother to put out any resumes until the week after New Year's.
I didn't see a point since there really was no rush.
I've been prepared for this since September/October.
I pretty much knew when I was doing it, and had originally intended to give it at least one more week, but couldn't bring myself to do it.
It was just too much.

So here I am.
Nearly two months have passed and I'm here sitting in my kitchen alone with my 3rd cup of coffee and writing about it.

Here's the thing.
I remember the last time I did this... a good 11 years ago....  I did it because I knew (actually I thought) I had the support of my live in boyfriend, Mr. F.  He encouraged me to quit a job I wasn't ready to leave and encouraged me to drop out of college and live my dream of becoming a big time screen writer.

Well, we all know where that lead.
Where he is now (living the life he dreamed of, thanks to ME!) and where I am (which really isn't all that bad and could always, always, always be worse).

This time, I did this entirely of my own accord, with tons of emotional support from friends and family and I couldn't be more relieved or prepared for the following months.

I've had a lot of time on my hands (obviously) in the past 8 weeks and have had moments in which I've freaked out and allowed depression to engulf me in its darkest parts.
Moments where I've thought... well, here I am again stuck in all of these dead ends of nothingness.

I've had call backs, yes. From headhunters who have lured me into their offices to fill out paperwork stating they had the exact position I've wanted and then to find out those positions were more than likely non existent and they really just wanted me to take some case management position.  It's lead me to even tell one head hunter that I'm not desperate (I'm not) and didn't apply to one job to be considered for something that I ran away from.

After that last incident, I took another week or two off from applying to jobs because this was becoming habitual.  Call after call after call for the exact type of work I just finished running from.
The truth of the matter is this....
The place I am in my life right now, is not so bad.
And while I freak out once in a while, I'm okay.
I will be okay.
And I'll continue to be okay.

The way I see it right now from where I stand and regardless of all of these emotions running through my heart and mind, is that there's something out there that is being prepared for me which is exactly where I want and need to be in my life.
Rather than try to force it into happening, I have to continue just living my life as if nothing has changed.

I'm actually in a rather good place and it took 1 intense conversation, 1 light conversation and a post from my always reliable friend, Omar to open my eyes to it.
This is exactly where I need to be right now.

And where this is, is not so bad.


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