Brief Moments of Insanity

Over the past month, I've been feeling terrible.
I discovered some news that has made me a little more than unhappy and I'm sure some of you can tell by my posts.
I've continued to tend to my responsibilities and do the things that always must be done.  Because you can't allow certain life situations to destroy the small things you've built for yourself.  But I don't hurt any less.  And when I think I'm having a better day, I stare off into space, completely lose myself and next thing you know, there is the same pain that was there the day before.

How do you deal with disappointment, heartbreak, etc?
I deal with it the best way I know how.
I allow it to just do its damage on my own time.  I try my hardest not to let it affect anyone else and I just keep it moving.  "Keep it moving," by my definition may very well mean laying on the couch all day... but what I'm trying to say is that tomorrow is always another day and if I have plans or respo…

I have fallen in love a total of two times in my life so far.
Yes. Only two.
I have loved others but to say that I fell for them... that would be a lie.

There was a difference.
I didn't see a future with them.. some not even the potential of a future with them and I knew I could live without them ultimately.
It didn't matter how much they hurt me, if at all, and that I was saddened deeply by their behavior.
Because the truth is, I'm highly emotional when I don't get my way.
Just being honest!
I wasn't in love with them and I couldn't see past today while I was with them...
Not really.
Nor did I want to.

When you're in love, you see a future, you see potential.  And while your logic knows you can certainly live without them as you did for so many years before they came along, your heart and soul can't fathom it.
There's not one day in your life that you can clearly imagine without them in it in some way.

When you fall in love with someone, you …

These words have been flashing in my head as of the past couple of weeks regarding someone who thinks that titles are a joke.  But in my experience in the past 10 years, titles as silly as you skeptics, cynics and womanizers think they are... are absolutely important.

Without a title in a relationship of any sort, people can easily feel their own validation and justification in doing whatever they feel like doing and then saying, "Well, I told you I wasn't ready for a relationship..." or "I told you we were just friends."

People will find an excuse to do whatever they want no matter what.
Here's the thing, with or without that title, you're gonna do whatever you feel like doing.
In the end, you will feel okay doing it or you won't.
You will feel justified or you will feel guilty, but the title will make no difference in how you handle a situation.
You can marry a person and still cheat.
It won't make a difference if you choose to continue to en…

Ever have an ex that has a totally different outlook as to what happened between you and them than you do?
I'm not talking about a small discrepancy either.
I'm talking about straight up imaginary versions of what they claimed happened and what they believe your personality to be.

There's Mr. F.... PigPen (oh I've never written about him.. not even worth it)... Big C... and I can go on and on and on... but....

I'll give you an extraordinary example.
I spent a good three years on and off with someone who I did care about.. even loved but wasn't exactly in love with (I realized when the 3rd year rolled around... sometimes when people push you over and over and over again, that shit fades).  The first two years of that was them stating how we were both single and because we were both single and lived separately I should never show up without warning and basically they could do whatever they wanted and suggested that I could as well.  Let's be realistic.  They …

Today, I got the "pleasure" of listening to a 20 year old's recent heartbreak.
I tried to tune most of it out but couldn't help but hear the key parts and boyyy did her pain hit home.

It's amazing how a 13 year difference is no difference at all.
I felt like I was listening to myself.
While our situations are so different the gist of it all was very much the same.

The only very big difference between a 20 year old's heartbreak and a 33 year old's is that at 33 you know that no matter how horrible the pain is, eventually you'll go on because you really have no other choice.  The world keeps spinning, people keep moving... and so do you.  You still have to get up and face your every day responsibilities and that's it.  At 20, the world has ended and that's it.  You can't see past that.
At 33, you know that you can't see past today but you will see past today... eventually.  At 20, it seems hopeless.

But the pain.  It's the same.  It …

I've become best buds with insomnia over the past couple of weeks.

As is what is normal for me... what I thought was genuine wasn't...
And my world has sort of flipped around yet again.

You would think I would know better by now, but I clearly do not.
Well, no matter, due to excruciating circumstances, here I find myself again.
Such is life.

My thoughts rule my days and nights.
Sleep either comes in segments of 10-14 hours (yes, it's true.. that's not a typo) or it barely comes at all.. and I'm lucky to get 3-4 hours in.

Ah, but we all know this is temporary.
Perhaps leaning on long term this time around but temporary all the same.
I find that the thoughts igniting my insomnia that irritate me the most are the questions that will come later.
And boy am I tired of questions and all I really feel like telling people is to mind their own business and go mind the grass on their own lawns... Because let's face it... some of that grass needs fertilizing.

Have I lost…

I know I've written about this before but I guess re-writing this chapter helps me remember.

Opportunity comes once in a lifetime, they say.... who they are, I have no idea.
But here's the thing.

If you sit down and simmer in possibilities rather than "seizing the day," or "living in the moment," you might miss out on something huge.

People spend way too much worrying about the what if's in life and not focusing on the here and now and the what IS.  When something comes along that you know is something that may not come along again, you should take advantage of it.

While you sit there and think about it... whatever it is... that moment.. that chance... that option... may slip right through your fingers.  And then what?  You'll be kicking yourself in the ass and/or begging for another chance... another moment and it will be gone.

And you will be left with nothing but your thoughts and worries... and most of all your regrets.

The point is... just go …

There's something I feel people don't seem to understand.
You can love yourself to the moon and back...
You can take care of yourself until you're bored to death of taking care of yourself....
You can spread love to others and give, give, give until you're exhausted with that as well....

But there will always be someone or a couple of someone's that will try and take advantage of your kindness, of your love, of your generosity.  Obstacles placed by what some know as "the enemy", the "dark one" or just plain old negativity that you just have to fight against.

It won't matter if you're giving the absolute minimum or the maximum.
It won't matter that you have your guard way up...
There is always someone or something who/that will come along and find a way to jump over that fence and run right for the gold... and once they have it, steal away quietly as if they were never there, leaving you empty.... and confused.

All we can do is push…

Why does it always seem to be that the people you love the most are always the ones adept to hurting you the most?

That no matter what you say to them, how clear you are with them about your feelings and expectations or lack there of, they still manage to take advantage of your kindness.

What is it that allows people to sit comfortably knowing that they are inflicting pain unto others or are about to do so?

It can't possibly be that every single one of those people is a sadistic sociopath.

I seriously drive myself crazy on a regular basis trying to figure out why people do what they do to those who are the least deserving.
I never ever ever act as if I'm perfect.  I'm not.
I am severely flawed.
I can write a book about how flawed I am alone and still leave room for a sequel.
Still, with all of that, I'm pretty awesome.
A once in a lifetime woman. (yeah I went there).
And when I love, I love with all of my heart.
My friends, my family, etc... falling outs, are never …

I did a bit of sorting the other day and came across a lot of little interesting items from some people long and thankfully gone.....
I used to save everything.
I started throwing pretty much everything away last year.
Not much else to get rid of now! 
It's funny the cycles we go through in life and the things, people and situations that assist us along the way without even meaning to.  All the notes I still had hidden underneath other things from ex-friends, ex-lovers and some family members I'd like to "ex" out as well.  
Being that there seemed to be an ongoing theme, I realized that every single one of the people I've crossed paths with in my life have been tiny inspirations.
They've sparked some creativity.. thoughts and feelings and a series of stories in my head.

Either their characters were interesting or their situations were.
See, my posts while written in first person mostly aren't always experienced in first person.
They are sometimes writte…