Sleepless Nights

I've become best buds with insomnia over the past couple of weeks.

As is what is normal for me... what I thought was genuine wasn't...
And my world has sort of flipped around yet again.

You would think I would know better by now, but I clearly do not.
Well, no matter, due to excruciating circumstances, here I find myself again.
Such is life.

My thoughts rule my days and nights.
Sleep either comes in segments of 10-14 hours (yes, it's true.. that's not a typo) or it barely comes at all.. and I'm lucky to get 3-4 hours in.

Ah, but we all know this is temporary.
Perhaps leaning on long term this time around but temporary all the same.
I find that the thoughts igniting my insomnia that irritate me the most are the questions that will come later.
And boy am I tired of questions and all I really feel like telling people is to mind their own business and go mind the grass on their own lawns... Because let's face it... some of that grass needs fertilizing.

Have I lost you?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that a small part of what keeps me up at night, other than my own over dramatic over emotional turmoil, is everyone else's opinions... everyone else's thoughts... everyone else's bullshit. Everyone always has something they feel they must say... or some judgment they feel they must pass...

And while it shouldn't.  It's easier to tell me that their thoughts and bullshit opinions don't matter.
They don't matter.  I'm quite aware of that.
But that doesn't mean they don't irritate me all the same.

What else adds to my insomnia.
Other people's problems.
The problem with other people's problems is that you want to just sit there and focus on your own and be entirely selfish... but at the same time you'd rather ignore them altogether.  So when someone else comes along needing your guidance you're stuck between wanting to help them because you care about them and can use the distraction but also wanting to tell them to grow some balls and figure it out on their own damn time cuz you very nearly are close to losing your own mind.

Well, that's me anyway.
It's a true Catch 22.

So here I am... lingering in a new bout of insomnia... dying for the morning to come... so I can have another day to waste away in gluttony and sloth.
Hey.. just being honest.
To find myself laying in this bed or on the couch because I can't bare to make the slightest attempt at sleeping in bed... and do this all over again...

On the bright side, it gets easier each time.. but it also gets harder.
Funny how that works, right?
Still... a lesson is learned each time and with that some wisdom is gained as well.
Corny it sounds but true it is.

We get dealt a new stack of cards every once in a blue moon.. and we decide whether we want to play them or not.  We take a chance and unfortunately we lose more games than we win.  But those small wins are worth the chances....
And the sleepless nights.

And the last game we play is one we win by the landslide.
In the meantime.. I'm going to recover from this last loss and get ready for the next win.


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