Still Me

Why does it always seem to be that the people you love the most are always the ones adept to hurting you the most?

That no matter what you say to them, how clear you are with them about your feelings and expectations or lack there of, they still manage to take advantage of your kindness.

What is it that allows people to sit comfortably knowing that they are inflicting pain unto others or are about to do so?

It can't possibly be that every single one of those people is a sadistic sociopath.

I seriously drive myself crazy on a regular basis trying to figure out why people do what they do to those who are the least deserving.
I never ever ever act as if I'm perfect.  I'm not.
I am severely flawed.
I can write a book about how flawed I am alone and still leave room for a sequel.
Still, with all of that, I'm pretty awesome.
A once in a lifetime woman. (yeah I went there).
And when I love, I love with all of my heart.
My friends, my family, etc... falling outs, are never enough to drive my feelings for people away entirely.
When I care about someone I go through extraordinary lengths to show them that I do.
And maybe that's wrong.
But isn't it a lose/lose situation?
When you care too much you risk being taken advantage of and when you don't show a significant amount of care you're screwed as well, because you "didn't care enough."

The only thing I can stand by in this regard is that while I've learned to handle certain situations differently and I have grown a hell of a lot in the past 13 years... I still cannot be anyone other than who I am.  I am still going to continue to open my heart regardless of what happens because I can't live my life being something I'm not.

Somehow, some way it has to pay off.
If not for me, even for them.  But hardening myself against others has never been me.
I can cut people off, I can end something that has gone too far, but to completely close myself off simply because of my past is just something I haven't learned to do.

And crazy as it is, as painful as all of my experiences have been, I've grown from them.
And there's just a part of me... a very small part of me when I'm not feeling resentful.... that is grateful that all I did had a positive impact on others even if it left me in the dark somewhat.
Because there is no one on this earth who can truly and honestly say my intentions have been anything but good, (unless they are completely delusional).


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