The Case of the Delusional Ex

Ever have an ex that has a totally different outlook as to what happened between you and them than you do?
I'm not talking about a small discrepancy either.
I'm talking about straight up imaginary versions of what they claimed happened and what they believe your personality to be.

There's Mr. F.... PigPen (oh I've never written about him.. not even worth it)... Big C... and I can go on and on and on... but....

I'll give you an extraordinary example.
I spent a good three years on and off with someone who I did care about.. even loved but wasn't exactly in love with (I realized when the 3rd year rolled around... sometimes when people push you over and over and over again, that shit fades).  The first two years of that was them stating how we were both single and because we were both single and lived separately I should never show up without warning and basically they could do whatever they wanted and suggested that I could as well.  Let's be realistic.  They didn't want me to do whatever I wanted.  They just wanted to have the freedom to do their own dirt.  They claimed they could care less... but when they dominate your time on the weekends and you are in your 20's they absolutely care who and what you're doing... nah mean?  Can't have you going off and starting a life with the right one when you can be wasting time with the wrong one... Oh no.

After the first couple of months, he broke up with me out of nowhere.  I wasn't sure what happened which left me confused and distressed when just a week earlier they told me that they were "falling for me" and about 2 months later they stated they just wanted to be friends and that nothing had happened.
That they just thought they felt something they didn't.
The truth?  Those couple of months they spent with a certain ugly blonde woman with incredibly soft hair she left in his brush regularly... (I'm not a hater.. if she would've been attractive by my standards, I would totally give her credit where it was due... but she was fugly)... and I'm going to guess she actually enjoyed doing things I would prefer NEVER to do.

Well, one thing lead to another and one mixed signal became another.
The one thing he kept insisting over the next year is that we were just "friends."
Anyway, after a year of this, we broke it off again and when they decided to make a reappearance, I straight up told this person, unless I'm the only one in your life and in your bed, I really want no part of you.
Of course, they claimed they would be loyal.
Were they? Well, I will have you know that there were tufts of blonde hair that made appearances here and there throughout that second year... so you guessed right...
Ah loyalty.... does any single person truly know what this is anymore?
I don't believe so.  It seems too expensive a quality to have when you want to share your juices with any pretty little dirty thang that comes along... and yes, that typo was intentional.
Anyway, long story short... another year went by with the same results.

Two years of back and forth with this man, and really I was just entertaining my boredom because by this time around I was unemployed.  It wasn't like he bought me extravagant gifts and can't even really claim he did too much for me around this time (because he really didn't... I was still very much incredibly independent) but I enjoyed his company when I couldn't afford really to do anything with anyone else and all that space he gave me was good for me as I was finishing up my degree.

Well, by the third year, I could tell this dude actually developed true feelings for me.  I don't know what it was that made me catch on but here it was any romantic feelings I had for this dude had disappeared.  By now, my feelings had turned into the love you feel for a good old friend.  Take that as you will.  Still because I knew by this time he wasn't straying (at least not as much) I gave him one last chance.  But God knows I wasn't feeling it.  I finally earned the title of "girlfriend" and it was near the end of our joke of a relationship.  He'd become a little possessive and controlling.  Oh, of course, as he reads this little diddy, he's total in denial.  But it's absolutely true.  Here it is, he invited himself to a trip I took for my 30th birthday which wasn't exactly a nightmare but could've been partly due to his negligence as well as others.  The very best part of the trip, (sense any sarcasm here?) I remember clear as day, was his claim that I was wrong for not spending alone time with him... a trip he invited himself to that involved about 11 other participants.  A trip he did not fully decide on joining in on until the very last minute. I don't know if he felt justified that he had gotten this nice little room at the hotel we were staying in... but let me explain this... I certainly didn't need him for a free room.  My mother had already paid for a hotel room WE were going to share together.  AND he only paid for ONE of my meals there the entire time we were there.  Sooooo... his attitude was disgusting.  Did I mention that he got himself sick because he threw a hissy fit in order to try to get me to stay in the hotel room with him and was totally nasty to me because I didn't?  On my birthday.  See, other people honestly thought they made my trip miserable but in the end, he was a large part of that.  So don't take credit.  At the end of the day, I had bigger fish to fry.  That's how I remember my 30th.

Don't get me started on my weight fluctuations with that man.  How he HIGHLY encouraged my increase in weight, no matter how unhealthy and how he would seriously make me travel on the train 2 hours to see him AFTER I had already traveled 2-3 hours home because he wanted to see me and if I didn't go see him RIGHT NOW, he'd break up with him.  Can I be honest? I could care less at this point but I felt bad for him.   But I made a conscious decision I would never ever ever do that again! With him or anyone else.

I guess this should be a froggy Friday post, huh?

Needless to say it was a blessing in disguise when I finally moved into my last apartment here in Queens because I was totally independent, in an awesome location (20-30 mins from the Village) and I was going out regularly again.  And that last time I saw him as a half assed "couple"... do you know he kicked me out at 7am because I wasn't sexual enough for him?  HA!!! What a joke!! Don't get me started on THAT!!!

He then tried to get me to go stay with him one night after he refused to pick me and my mother up from the airport because apparently he had a dental appointment at 5pm that day (we were landing at around 5:30pm)... right.

Delusions, my friends.  Delusions!!!!

Let me explain something.  Just because someone has lost their thirst for YOU, does not mean that they've lost their THIRST.  Get it? Got it? Good.

Just as people can fall out of love... they can fall out of lust.
An entire year after the break up and I attempted to redeem a friendship with him.
Because I enjoyed his company and despite our huge difference both in the bedroom and in other areas as well (delusional versus non delusional), the truth of the matter was, he IS a pretty good person with a good heart.  Unfortunately, he just sucks as a boyfriend.  Well, our short lived friendship came to an end when he suggested I spend the night with him and when I said no, he of course said, it was because I was never really sexual.  I'm not going to get into why he thought that other than the fact that I just wasn't into the same things he was.  And I straight up told him (in writing at that) that while I do not judge him, I was just not into the stuff he was into.  Sorry!  That's just the way the cookie crumbles.  He became sort of spiteful when I turned him down.  We attempted to make plans once more to hang out but I ended up cancelling because out of nowhere one day, he completely bypassed our last disastrous meeting and suggested that someone advised him that if he were to agree to be monogamous, that I should get back together with him.... I think I lied and said, I'd think about it.  I don't recall.  I know it was something like... "Well, that's a lot to take in.  I'll think about it and get back to you."  Clearly, I never did and I never saw him again.  And while there have been two attempts (mostly on his end) to try to go out "as friends,"  I've had to turn him down because no matter what anyone does to me... I'm sorry... but I cannot lead anyone on.  It's not in me.  And it would make me feel very uncomfortable to give you false hopes.

I miss that friendship being that it was pretty decent for a little while, 2 summers back... but that's really it.
I am definitely no longer attracted to him nor do I have any left over feelings for him.
My bad for letting him think otherwise.

Here's the thing guys.
When it's over for me and I tell you so then.... it's basically over.
When I tell you straight up, it's done AND that I NO longer have any feelings for you.... it's probably true and you should throw in the towel.
Do not set yourself up for any delusions unless I tell you directly that I still love you and still have feelings for you and would consider giving you another chance voluntarily.
And if months and months have passed and this is where I left off with unrequited feelings for you.. then it's safe to make an attempt if i'm single.
Otherwise it's a mute point to even attempt anything.
Really.
Do not set yourself to believe otherwise.

And so... when you get that email from someone... 13 years after the fact... or that text message 3 years later inviting you to dinner... it's because that someone has a totally different version of how things ended and they think it's okay.  Guess what, someones! It's not okay.  You cannot pass "go" and collect $200.  It is officially time for YOU to move the hell on! If the person you are reaching out to, agrees to dinner and a walk in the part, don't set yourself up.  You are more than likely NOT getting laid and they are NOT going to get back together with you.

If it didn't work before... it won't work again.
Just sayin... Keep it moving and stop living in the land of make believe!





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