The Savior Syndrome

Today, I got to thinking about the Savior Syndrome... otherwise known as the Superman Syndrome.
Most of you reading this have heard of this before.  
I renamed it because at this point we need to recognize that men are not the only ones who suffer this hot mess of an imaginary disorder.  Many of us women suffer it too.  

I've been known to and have somewhat grown out of it...
I have always wanted to help those I most care about and I've had several train wrecks enter my life.  Train wrecks that have taken me for what I can "help" with, I help them get what they want and they still manage to leave my life train wrecks... Mr. F, The Lowest One of All... You get my drift.

But after the Lowest One of All, I've decided that my help would be limited to emotional and mental and that's it. Just because it comes naturally and I can't help myself.  It's not something I seek out.  I much prefer friends and lovers who have their shit together.  At times though, those still in the process of growing up gravitate towards me, and there's still a part of me that wants to save them.  The trick is learning that boundary that at least says, "I will help you only if..." blah blah blah.  You have to at least put a stipulation out there.  Know your worth... that's been my motto for about 3 years now.

Now, looking at myself and my own messes, I've become aware of something incredibly blatant.
While I've not always been the most put together person in the world... I've never NEEDED a savior.  And the men that I have come across view me as independent and strong (even if I'm dying inside).  So they don't find a need to "save" me, and I don't peak their interest as much.  That's not to say I didn't want one... but I've pretty much depended entirely on myself for the past 15 years just about.. if not more.

What initially attracts them to me is exactly the thing that pushes them away.  
It's my lack of need. 
They don't need to save me, so why bother?

And so I get jipped.  
The attention, affection, love... the things I yearn for, I don't get because I don't present myself as a needy, little hoodrat.  Let's be honest.

These men (some good, some not so good) gravitate to the poor, little 20/30 something year old dumb ass who lives in a shelter with her 1 year old because she chose to have a child with someone she already knew was a dead beat but some where in there convinced herself that he would come around after the baby was born.  Or the single mom whose 14 year old daughter she encourages to dress like a hot mess, attend raves and who knows what else... eventually causing problems between the teens you've brought into the relationship and the hot mess she's raised on her own.

On the other side of it, you have the bum dude with the rough life, and the good girl with the silver dollar in her mouth, running in to save and mold a man, who has had chance after chance to reconstruct himself and has chosen to keep living the life of a bum ass dude.  And once all is said and done... is still a bum ass dude.

Those are the people most desired because they seem to need some sort of assistance and who else but you can help them get through their hard times?
Not once do you ask yourself, how the hell did they get to this dark place and how long have they been there?  Is there a pattern?  And how will this affect me in the long run?
And in the end, there's this fantasy that you will have this great, amazing love that no one else has because you fought through these awful times together and... SAVED them.

That's not what actually happens.  Instead, you step in to save the day, get dragged down, chewed up and spit out, and then bitch about how ALL or the majority of women/men are this awful based on these experiences.  Why? Because you've never given someone who has a good head on their shoulders, a try and if you have you gave up on them quickly on the simple impression that they don't need you.

We forget that there are different types of needs that those stronger individuals have and we overlook them seeking to be needed in ways to make ourselves feel valuable in some sick co-dependent way.

Maybe at some point in your youth, you've gone through your own bout of trouble and were able to pull yourself out some how, or someone helped you, and you've convinced yourself that doing the same for someone else will help them.  And that's okay.  But never, ever go into something with the expectation that you will change someone who has been in this rut for years and years at a time because I'm positive they have had opportunities to change and have voluntarily chosen not to.

Put your cape away and invest your time into continuing to help yourself.
Volunteer your time with bigger organizations.
Start your own charity.
Find a teen who needs help.

But do not romantically invest in someone who has done virtually nothing for themselves.
This is how they like to live their life.
Do not be the fool and allow them to poison your heart and soul against everyone else.
Choose a partner that is equal or better.

Know your worth.
And stop trying to turn that smut into a housewife...


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