Strength In Words

I write sometimes to see if I can find strength in my own words.
Today is one of those times.

I woke up this morning to a message from the Manipulative Marine's ex-fiancee.
If you look through my Froggy Friday's you'll know who I'm referring to.
Anyway, it was a quick greeting and reminder of what happened very early last year.
The very young woman (I believe she is all of 19 years old) has recently gotten married to whom she believes to be the love of her life.
Regardless of my opinion on that matter, the truth is, I wish her nothing but well deserved happiness and prosperity.
A nice little reminder of a little something we both got through in a sense.

While some part of me is actually happy for someone else's happiness, today is one of my weaker..... not so happy days.
A day I feel exhausted for absolutely no reason other than this entire year has been... tiring.
Emotionally and mentally exhausting all around.

I try not to dwell on these days.
I look for things to do even if they seem to be things that really don't need to get done... i.e. reorganize my shoes....
But for the sake of keeping my mind occupied, I do my best to do other things on regular days, like go to the gym... go to the movies.. walk around... etc.

I cannot feign innocence.
I realize many things that have transpired are in large part my own fault for not being quicker... for not being sharper... for not opening my eyes and for allowing myself to fall.....
I am an adult after all.

Still.... this year has been rough.
Looking back from January up until now.. it's been a draining year all around.
And not just for me.

I see the failing health of a family member I care deeply about... and it worries me constantly.
I've seen the loss of a beautiful young man in a sudden and tragic turn of events, that was not only loved by one of my good friends, his family and his friends but by his community as well.
I see my closest friends suffering over their loved ones.
And my own suffering over this work situation and the loss of someone I loved very much..... although he is  not dead.... it kind of feels that way.

And I am soooo very exhausted.
Every bit of it has been exhausting.

I find that many days I have to actually force myself to get out of bed and drink coffee just for the sake of feeling normal.
I sleep for 2-3 hours at a time, wake up at the break of dawn... toss and turn... fall asleep for a little while again... and wake up to a total of 5-6 hours of sleep.
I see darkness where hope used to be and I'm tired.
Plain and simple.

What gets me through days like today are my "tomorrow's."
Regardless of how I am feeling emotionally, physically or mentally... every single day I wake up, I acknowledge that I am lucky.
That I was chosen to stay alive and that there must be some reason I'm still here.
And every single day, I search for that reason even if by the end of the day I haven't found it.
Every single day, I do my very best no matter how sad I feel.. or how empty.. to find gratitude in something...
And that's what gets me through.

So while many of you who are reading this, read my positive messages on a daily basis, know that I need them just as much as you do.
We are all fighting our own personal battles and all we can do is smile through the pain, pretend it's not there, and keep moving because if we allow it to swallow us whole then we've allowed it to win and we just can't.

We didn't come all this way for nothing.
Trust in that if nothing else.
There is something in this world we are meant to do.
And the more anxious we feel about it, the closer we are to whatever it is.

So find strength in my words.
And hang on.
We're almost there.


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