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Showing posts from 2016

Alone in a Crowd

Today, Omar reminded me how alone we really are in this world.  Of course, she hadn't realized she'd done so.

My mother used to always tell me whenever I got down about how few friends or family I really had, "You were born alone and you will die alone.  Don't depend on anyone to stick around.  At the end of the day, you need to be happy with yourself and to hell with everyone else."

I started really understanding that in the last five years.
Sometimes I feel okay about it and, of course, other times, not so much.
Mostly because I'm a human being who longs for companionship in any form.

After her passing, while I always knew I was somewhat alone, I realized how much more so.
People show you every bit of their true colors when tragedy strikes.
Your relationships with family and/or friends either becomes stronger or non existent.
You either validate what you already knew or have revelations about things that were staring you in the face but you refused to …

The Silver Lining

Upon brushing my hair yesterday morning, I found one very obvious silver hair sprouting from the very top of my scalp, shouting to be heard, "HERE I AM!!!!" 

Immediately, I grabbed a pair of tweezers and yanked it right out.  When I took a closer look at my head, I noticed there were several of those little suckers brushed neatly back.  I felt defeated.  There's no way I'm yanking all of these strands from my head. 

It's not the first time I've seen what others call "grays" in there.  I don't normally have a problem with it being that I look younger anyway.  But I guess it's when reality struck.  I'm almost 35. 

So far my 30's have been quite an adventure, and in truth, I cannot complain.  It's a beautiful thing.  Hitting 31 was one of my biggest eye openers ever.  I let go of more and more dead weight both figuratively and literally and I felt at my most confident all the way through 33.  But somehow in there, I hit a huge sp…

Life After Death

It's been 2 months today since she passed so suddenly.
Her absence has not gone unnoticed.

I think about how different life is now.
All the responsibilities that my siblings and I have had to take on since her passing.
How proud she would have been, particularly of my sister, for how everything has been handled.

She is missed.

Life without her is certainly tough.
Not being able to call her all those many times things have occurred here and there.
Not being able to tell her I currently hold a 4.0 GPA in grad school... how happy she would've been...
I can hear her say, "That's my baby...!!!"

I wake up with her in mind.
I go to sleep with her in mind.
Normally, your mother is your first true love.
The first person you trust.
The first person you meet.
And in "normal" circumstances, the only person you can truly rely on throughout life.

She was my everything, really.
Everything happens for a reason... but the only reason I can see for her sudden passing…

One Month

It's been a month.
A month.
And I've come to the conclusion that her death was totally, and entirely my fault.
I could've done more and I simply didn't.
I could've checked up on her more often, I could've called every day, I could've visited more, I could've tricked her into going to the doctor.  I could've just done more.
It's absolutely my fault and there's no one in this world who can change my mind.

The sudden loss of a parent is absolutely awful.
That's not to say, that knowing your loved one is going to die is any better.
But thinking that this person is okay and will last you a very long time, only to be completely wrong about it, simply isn't easy.

It comes with tons of sadness, tons of guilt, tons of regrets.

It's been a month since she's passed and all I can think about is all of the "what if's" she left behind.
What if I had been more attentive...
What if I had forced her to go to the hospital afte…

Yesterday

My mom passed away yesterday morning.  I didn't get to say goodbye. I haven't seen her since November & I kept telling her I'd try but in truth I never tried hard enough. I allowed my own abysmal depression to take over as is the norm. 
And as I write this, all I can think is, she'll never read another one of my crazy rants again. I'll never hear her voice again. I'll never feel her hugs or kisses. 
We'll never get to argue again about how stubborn either one of us is being. We'll never take another trip together, share a drink, pose for another photo..., 
She didn't get the chance to meet the love of my life. Or watch us get married one day....
I will never ever see her again. I never thought this day would be so hard. Because she wasn't supposed to go so soon. 58 was just too young. Too sudden. I never thought I'd actually feel like an orphan at the age of 34.  
The feeling of loneliness you get after your biggest cheerleader has completely …

Perfectly Imperfect Fairytales

I think at some point in life, we get spoiled into thinking that the non existent is reality.
We get caught up in feelings of love and grandeur that only hold so much truth.
The getting to know you stage feels so very good when you really like someone that we forget that there are challenges and times of difficulty that soon follow.   We forget that nothing is perfect and that all pending relationships require work.

Because we forget these things, we tend to live in this fantasy that a successful, loving relationship just comes naturally with no work what so ever.
And so when things become difficult, we get a very harsh wake up call.

We forget that our fantasy princes and princesses are nothing more than average human beings fighting their own hardships and internal demons.
That everyone has a daily struggle they need to combat and that sometimes that doesn't translate very well into our relationships.

The reality of it is, in order to maintain a successful relationship you nee…

Growing Pains

I wake up every day.
Get ready for work.
Commute through the trenches of Flushing, and the heart of Manhattan.
I arrive at work... deal with infants, toddlers,, small children and their students (ha! get it? I don't really work with adults. Just big kids with driver's licenses and the legal right to drive, smoke and drink.)
I manage an office, substitute classes, and somehow get pulled into the drama a staff consisting of only women is bound to have....
I sit down during my break, contemplate doing some home work or reading for pleasure and then decide to play games on my phone while blocking out the majority of the chit chatting surrounding me in a small space....
Finally, I leave work, either head to the gym or come home to deal with my "female head of household" duties....

And the next day?
I do it all over again.

Every single week day, I curse my younger self for rushing into adulthood.
I think back and wish I wouldn't have wished so hard to be grown.
Becaus…

Accepting Vs. Settling

"Where do you draw the line between accepting and settling?" Omar asked.

A while back, I briefly dated someone I wasn't attracted to simply because he was a "good" guy who had a stable career and goals.  He was single, a little older, and a nice person.
But he lacked a certain degree of intelligence.  If I told him I had plans, he would ask me about 10 times if I still planned on going out and no matter how many times I would repeat myself, it wouldn't sink in.
It wasn't that he was forgetful.  It was simply that he was a blithering idiot.

And what's worse is that I felt no physical attraction to him.  There was no chemistry and he kind of disgusted me.  He wasn't ugly but... but yuck.  Just not the guy for me.

After a month of trying to make it work, I decided it wasn't going to.  That if I spent another minute talking to this man, I would simply be settling and I knew I was worth soooo much more.  The man was needy, annoying and plain ol…

David's Angels

There is no good way to write a story about David.

I met David a couple of years back during a BBQ I held at my home.
He was very helpful, sweet and generous.
He was a loving individual and he brought us laughter... and liquor.
The most important things of all, really.

As time passed, in truth, I was rarely hanging out with anyone because I was unemployed.  I went out several times with a college friend I was close to, and even those outings were brief.
My focus at the time was school and starting a career in the field of psychology/counseling/social work.

I believe we all went to a brunch one afternoon, and David met some of my other friends, perhaps went to brunch with them on a separate occasion and got emotionally attached.
I was somehow the common denominator in this scenario.

See, the thing with David was, that he was harboring 2 secrets about himself.
The first one, which was actually quite obvious to everyone, was that he was a gay man.
He had this self hatred about who h…

Unsolicited Advice: My Opinion

We all know how I feel about unsolicited advice.
Especially being that this would be my 3rd post (and probably not my last) about it.  I figured I would write about the other side of that.  
I'm never ever one to give anyone unsolicited advice.  I fight tooth and nail against telling people how I think things should be done.  Unless it's a super casual conversation that requires opinions... I try not to give them.  However, if Sally is telling me and Jenny about a situation, I may tell Jenny later on what I think Sally should do and let her give the unsolicited advice for me.   That's much safer... for me.. not safer for Jenny being that she might take the blame... 
With all of that said, I'm usually the listener.  I will rant all my woes to whomever I trust and I will do my very best to be that ear they need in return.  I find that the best way to avoid giving people any opinion is by letting them go on and on and on about their situation and when they're done, gi…

Part Time Friends

When we get to the end of the year, it's time to basically throw things away.

Clothes we'll never wear again....
Items we'll never use again...
And people we'll never speak to again.

Yes, people go in this category as well.

Two years ago, I made a decision to simply stop talking to someone I was friends with for a couple of years....
Nothing happened between us but I felt that the only time we were talking was when I was doing poorly in some way.  Not because I didn't try to reach out when I was doing well.  But for some odd reason they only wanted to be around to sort of "save" me.  They wanted to BE the reason I was happy and it was almost like they basked in my misery.  When I started to finally feel good, look good and bask in my own glory, she disappeared.  I wanted for her to take part in my happiness and maybe share with her the way friends could/would.. but she wanted no part.  And that last time... was the last time.  I decided that was it.

Real…

A Very Random Christmas Eve

This year for the holidays, being single and ultimately, not the happiest of people because well... last year was just very different around this time... I asked my good friend, also single, same age, if she had anything planned for the holiday.  She said no, she was just staying home.  So I said, let's go do something different.

I made a poor attempt at trying to come up with something creative to do.
So I found tickets to the Nuyorican Poet's Cafe for their "Got No Tree" Poetry Slam and told her we could go have some dinner beforehand.
She was down.

After a semi long day at work and a hot walk outside (73 degrees on Christmas Eve is no joke), we settled for wine and appetizers at Max Brenner's Chocolate by the Bald Man, caught up and shared some stories on our dating adventures.

We headed over to Nuyorican's feeling the warmth of wine flush our cheeks.  And looking forward to doing something random.  After a very, very long walk to the Cafe... in the misty…

10 Lessons I Learned (Again) In 2015

2015... Thank you for re-teaching me some hard learned lessons.
To all of my loyal readers,  new and old, this one is for you.

1 - Love Yourself!!!! 

     Every time you find the slightest negative thing to say about yourself, replace it with a compliment.  We are all human beings and nothing more than that.  We are all perfectly imperfect and we need to stop being so hard on ourselves.  When it comes down to it, there's something amazing in all of us, and the least we can do is appreciate that something and magnify it.

2 - Stop People Pleasing!!!! 

This is a lesson that took me 34 years to learn.  Whether it be friends or lovers, I have ALWAYS gone out of my way to make sure that the people I've held near and dear to my heart know that I care about them;  That I'm thinking about them; and that I am there for them.  But after the roughest year I've had in a very long time, and select individuals NEVER taking any time to contact me for anything other than how I can serv…