Froggy Fridays: Mr. Slap Happy

After several messages here and there, I figured out right away that this wasn’t going to go anywhere.

Just for Mr. Slap Happy and I to hang out, it would be a 2 hour drive for either one of us…..
The next conflict of interest was that he’s a “know it all.”

In a conversation about not committing the same errors, I mentioned not compromising who I am as a person for anyone else and he insisted that it was a bad attitude because not every relationship is the same, therefore, if I was once flexible, I should continue to be so.  

While compromising, finding a middle road, etc., is always an option… you know what’s not?
Putting myself in an unhealthy situation for someone who basically holds no importance in my life.  
Just sayin.

Another conversation was had in which he was trying to tell me that going on vacation too often wasn’t good for me because I should be worrying about saving money for my future.  First of all, we are just getting to know each other. In what world is it okay to discuss finances with someone who you barely know?  Secondly, who are you to tell me what I can or cannot spend my own money on?

It seemed that any time I said something he didn’t like, he would make a comment about cuddling with me.
Look… who doesn’t like a good cuddle in the winter?
Affection is nice, but I don’t go around cuddling with just anyone, nah mean?
Annoying me and following up with cuddling isn’t going to do anything for me.
Cuddling is reserved for very specific people.

Well, you can ask yourself, why did I even bother?
There are many reasons, but the biggest one of all, as fucked up as it sounds, was that I knew I’d get a funny story out of this.

Weeks, perhaps, a month had passed and finally, it was down to, well, do we or don’t we meet up?

It was decided that he’d come visit me.
At this point, I already knew this would go nowhere, but had nothing to lose.
Come visit.  
Sure, why not?

First of all, homie didn’t show up until around 10pm - which totally ruined my chances of hanging out with someone better.
At that time in my area, there is nothing really open at that time except for one diner I know of and several fast food spots.  I don’t do fast food.
He was “starving” and I hadn’t cooked anything because I was busy actually putting my little house together (which I had advised him of earlier that day).
So I offered to take him to this diner open until midnight.
He didn’t seem too excited.
As we’re driving up to the spot, he makes a comment about McDonald’s being so good where he lives in Jersey and how the quality of their food is amazing.

Really? McDonald’s?
I ask him if he’d prefer McD’s, and I would just eat a snack at home.
“No, no, no, it’s fine, we’ll go to the diner,” he says.

We pull up to the diner and the entire time he’s telling me how to drive, and how to park….

We were seated right away and we placed our order within seconds - basically, simple foolproof sandwiches.  
Before receiving our food, he decided that he would entertain me with endless pictures of food on his phone….
When our food arrived, right off the bat, he was unimpressed with the presentation of the food.
I ate my wilted salad and watched as he took a bite out of all 3 parts of his sandwich and threw it back on the plate in disgust.
He even made a comment about how no fries compared to McDonald’s fries.

Well, it took all of 15 minutes, I asked them to wrap up my sandwich - that I didn’t eat out of disgust in watching him pick on his food.
At the counter there’s a small bakery, and he decides he wants a sugar cookie and a chocolate chip cookie.  He bites into the chocolate chip cookie and complains that it just wasn’t what he expected.
I asked him if he wanted something from McDonald’s since he couldn’t stop talking about that and Chik-Fil-A.
Of course, he said yes.

We get on the Drive Thru line, which was long at 11:30pm on a Saturday night, and, of course, Mr. Slap Happy commented on how it would’ve been quicker if he had gone inside.  I explained that they only had the drive thru open past 11pm and that the store was closed otherwise.
Well, after fretting over which sandwich he should order… he chose 2 cheeseburgers, a small fry and a strawberry-banana smoothie.

They hand us his smoothie.
He tasted it and almost spit it out.
I gave him the only nasty look.  My car may be on the older side and I don’t take care of her as much as I should, but the last thing I want is someone I barely even know spitting in it or on it.
He complained it was too watery.
He munched on the fries and complained that they just don’t make fries like they used to.
We make it back to the house, after he gave me directions to my own house…. We stand in the kitchen and I listen to him go on and on and on and on about real estate and he’s holding the brown paper bag with the burgers the entire time.

Eventually, I walk away telling him I’m going to throw on some pajamas and go to bed.  
I come back covered up from head to toe, sports bra and all - I HATE sleeping in bras, mind you.

I notice the dude still has the burgers in the brown paper bag and ask him if he plans to eat them.
He scrunches his face and says no, he had taken a bite and they weren’t up to his standards.  

He asks if he could lay down on my bed.
I said, sure, because, first of all, not a damn thing was going to happen, and I am ready to punch a dude in the nuts if necessary.
I walked into the room and THANKFULLY this guy was in his jeans and his tshirt.  
He makes a comment about how he wished he brought pajamas.  

“Damn, shame,” I reply thinking about how lucky I got that he didn’t bring any pj’s.

Well, he starts talking about real estate again (he’s not a real estate agent - he works for the military) and how he wants to invest so he doesn’t have to work anymore.  I let him go on and on until finally he says he’s tired and he gets quiet, so I tell him I’m going to turn the lights off.

I turned the lights off, turn on my salt lamp, nice and bright and sit down on my bed while proceeding to play Pet Rescue Saga.
He asks, “Are you going to play that the whole night?”
“Yes,” I reply.  “It helps me relax before I fall asleep.”
“Oh..” and he chuckles.
Just when I thought he was gonna finally shut the fuck up, he starts talking again about how he’s going to see a house he wants to buy and, again, quiets down eventually.

Now that I think it’s safe, I lay down as close to my edge as possible.
I continue to play my game when I hear, “Are you just gonna keep playing that game?” *Chuckle chuckle*
“Yes, again, it helps me relax before I fall asleep.”
Chuckle, chuckle.. “Okay.”
Then, “Can we cuddle…”
Me: “Ummm I’m not much a cuddler so I don’t think so.”
Him: “I know but I can just cuddle you.”
Me: “Yeah, I don’t think that’s a good idea….”
Next thing you know he throws his arm over me…..

And allllllllll of a sudden…..

A hand comes down on my ass…
Wham! Wham!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen… the dude was bold enough to slap my ass.

It happened about 3 times.
**Chuckle, chuckle**
Stunned, my mind starts to go.
Do I react and make this more awkward than it already is?
If I react, do I scream GET THE FUCK OUT!
Do I say, What the fuck is your problem?
I thought about all the ways this could’ve gone and it wasn’t good regardless.

The truth of the matter is, I was unbothered.
While a lot of women would be livid about this, the only thing that bothered me was why he thought that was a good idea to begin with.
Truth be told, my ass gets slapped around all the time.
There’s a lot of junk in the trunk and friends and family usually just think it’s a free for all.

So I chose option number 3.
Do NOT react.
Do NOT give him any satisfaction what so ever.
Pretend he did nothing.

And you know what I did?
I kept playing my game.
He starts talking real estate again, eventually moves away, and falls asleep.

Finally, I go to sleep.

7:30am, the alarm goes off.
I forgot to shut it off.
Thankfully, he hasn’t stirred. I turn it off with intentions of going right back to sleep when…. SHIT! My poor bladder simply won’t let me.

What to do… what to do…..
I slowly and ever so gently get up from the bed… and tip toe my way to the bathroom.
I come back tip toeing right back in and gently climb back into bed….
“Are you ok?”
“Yep, I’m fine. Going back to sleep now.”
**Sleepy chuckle**
I close my eyes and force myself to sleep.

His alarm goes off.
He gets up and goes to the bathroom.
I squeeze my eyes shut.
Keep sleeping! I mentally tell myself.
9:30am and he hasn’t come back into the room but his bookbag is still there.
I think… I can pretend to keep sleeping as he has an appointment and has to leave at 10:30am… or I can get up and make breakfast…
Guess what I picked.

At around 9:55am, I opened one eye and he was standing at the side of my bed, staring at me.
When he sees me flutter both eyes open, he shuffles away and pretends to be engaged in looking for something in his bag.
I close my eyes before he turns back around.

“Are you planning on getting up?”

I sigh loudly and obnoxiously.
“I guess….”

I snail my way to the bathroom, taking my time…
I figured it’s already 10, he’ll be gone in no time.
By the time I was done brushing my teeth, washing my face, it was around 10:15am…
YES! Only 15 minutes before he leaves.
I come out, he’s standing in one of my living rooms looking out…
“Do you need furniture?”
This started a 30 minute monologue on how his mother was losing her house because she wasn’t very good with money and how he has to get rid of her furniture and that I should take advantage because it’s free. I explained that I would still have to pay for a van rental in order to get the furniture, so thanks but no thanks.
Which then lead to…. Another conversation abouttttttt…. REAL ESTATE!

It’s now 10:44am and he finally notices he’s running behind for his appointment a good 15-20 minutes.
Thank goodness!

Finally, he heads out to his car, gives me a hug, tries to kiss me on the lips, totally misses and goes on about how “next time I’ll come by earlier so we can go to a real restaurant….”
I said, “Sure, you know that place Desaki? I’ll go check that out and let you know how it is!”
He’s like, “That’s a great idea.”  

I waved goodbye and shut the door.
Peace out mo-fo.

I didn't hear from him again until much later in the evening when he told me he made an offer on the house he went to see. My response was something like, “cool.”  

Two days later, incoming text message: “I guess this is where we stop talking.”
My response: “we don't have to stop talking.”
I'm not a complete monster after all.
“Oh good. So how was your day… I'm still waiting on the guys to tell me about the house…”
I didn't respond because clearly, he took my earlier response to mean I was still interested.

Later that day, “Are you mad at me for spanking your butt?”
I waited and thought, YES!!! This is my chance!!!
“Well, actually, yes I am.”
He sends me an emoji rolling his eyes.
I respond, “I’m not sure at what point you thought it was okay to do that being that I gave you no indication what so ever that would be ok.  You don’t just go around touching people, let alone spanking them.”
“Ok,” he writes.

And I never heard from him again….

Perhaps, he will be someone else’s prince, but certainly not mine!


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