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Showing posts from 2018

Distractions/Reminders

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I believe that person who crawled under my skin and snuck their way into my feelings and very nearly succeeded in hooking me, came to me as a lesson... or a reminder.



I have been on this one track lately about how the only thing I need to be focusing on these days is me.  And I've had a plan that I've been sticking to.
I started with pursuing an actual career... and now I am going after another very big goal while working still hustling on the side.

I almost allowed myself to get sidetracked by an unnecessary distraction.
Why?
Because I thought I needed to fix something that didn't need fixing at all.
And because something about this distraction woke something up in me that's been sleeping for 3 years.

What I needed to do was sincerely apologize one for my previous behaviors - which I did - and keep it moving. 
What I actually did, was apologize more than once regarding my previous behaviors and lingered to see what would happen.

This, while knowing in my heart that th…

Now and Then

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My mind is a filled pool overflowing with thoughts and emotions.

Lately, I've been thinking about how I nearly ended up in a repeat of my last relationship.
My last relationship was very rushed... lasted just a little over a year, and was one of the biggest disasters ever.

While looking back, I am reminded that it could've always been worse and it totally has been worse... we were just so stupid.
We were both in the same place in our lives and we just jumped in thinking we were going to help solve each other's problems without just dealing with the obvious emotional turmoil we were both in.
And things only got worse when my mother passed away and his ex spouse took him to court.

He wasn't a bad person and I am of a firm belief that neither am I; but we were bad for each other.
When I think back, I wish I would've listened to my incredibly loud instinct and stayed away.
I was desperate for one particular reason, and I should have realized that wasn't a good enou…

Mother's Day

This is the 2nd Mother's Day without my own and the 3rd in a row I don't get to spend with her.
I blame 2 people to include myself for that but I can't do anything about that.
The thing about regrets is that you live with them forever and in some cases, you simply can't change anything.
This is one of those cases.

What I can do and have been trying to enforce consistently is tell my friends and remaining family members to reach out and show love to those that are still here because you never know when they may not be anymore.

On Friday night, I really went in on someone close to me and insisted they buy their "difficult" mother a card and give her a damn hug because I happen to know she wants and needs that and it won't cost him a damn thing.
And that he should do it regardless of the reaction he gets from her.

Madre es unica. 

In most cases, anyway.
The thing is you're lucky to have your parents on borrowed time, even if you don't realize it.
Even…

Curveballs

I let a piece of my soul get away from me the summer of 2015.
Little did I know that life would take a nosedive from there.

Oh, don't get me wrong, there were momentary highlights but none I was ready for.

I told myself many years ago, that I would never allow any one person to make me feel lower than low. 
But... I guess as you grow and learn and navigate through life, you sometimes get caught off guard by the most unexpected situations.

He came disguised as a poor, lonely, misguided soul and truly he was the devil in disguise.
With our mutual departures, and a ton of scars left behind in my mind, heart, body and soul, I attempted to feel normal again.
Really, what I did was let myself go.
To the point that I became unrecognizable to myself.

I stopped caring about everything and everyone.
I made an attempt to move on and try something new and different but because it was forced in more ways than one, it failed... I failed.
Now here I am, starting all over again... not quite from …

Welcome To Reality

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There are certain points in life where you think you should be somewhere by that time but you're not.  Women in their late 20's thinking they should be married, everyone in their 30's thinking they should be at their most successful point in their careers...
We set unrealistic time limits to our goals and dreams without understanding that life throws many unexpected curve balls along the way.  


I fell stupidly in love when I was 21 and dropped out of college during my very final semester.  Not because my partner discouraged me from attending school (he indirectly did) but because I was afraid that if I didn't move quickly with him, that I would lose him. And there went my plans for the future. 
People I know had children early on in life and ended up doing things backwards, leaving them in limbo in their careers and feeling that they were too old to follow through with the plans they set out for themselves, settling for mediocre lives. 
I cannot tell you how many time…

The Rush

There's so much I want to get done right now that I have to remind myself that I have time.
That there's no need to rush because time is an illusion that we are rewarded with.

I really had to do this today as I started rushing through the next phase in my life and realized that no matter how anxious I feel, I have to do things right this time.
In every single aspect.

I've learned that rushing through my decisions only lands me in dire straights.
One thing at a time.
Start one project and then move on to the next once that's completed.

It's harder to slow down when you're on your own in a sense.
There's no real cushion to fall back on outside of reality.
And staying focused is hard in a world of blur.

But once you throw your glasses on and everything becomes a bit clearer, it's easier to get things done the right way.

You just have to slow down.

Stolen Identity

Have you ever been in a relationship that made you questions your values? Your morals? Your likes? Dislikes?
Have you ever seen yourself totally transform everything about yourself from the beginning of a relationship through the end? or simply within a year?

Maybe you had one view on politics and suddenly found yourself supporting the opposite party by the influence of the nonsense your significant other has spewed?

Or perhaps, it was a different type of change.
Maybe you were straight up into the hip hop scene and suddenly became a grunge hipster?

I've seen this happen so often.
People go into a relationship one way and then all of a sudden their thoughts or beliefs have changed based on the person they're having sex with.
It's really that simple.
An orgasm can really make you see things differently.

Think about it.

Maybe there's a change in shows you watch.
Or you've probably stopped watching tv altogether because your partner thinks television is damaging.
It p…

Give Them Something To Talk About

I used to care about other people's thoughts and opinions about me and I think once I hit 26, 27, that all stopped.

I'd been paying rent, utilities and other bills and realized that these people weren't helping me, so therefore, nothing they did or said mattered to me.
It's very easy to write people off because at the end of the day, if those people aren't making any valid efforts to come through as the friends and the family they portray themselves to be, then why keep them around?

See... I was once that girl that always came through for people's events, no matter the cost, the anxiety, the difficulty of making it.
I was always the one who called and sent a gift and just followed through.
But when I realized that as you get older, priorities change for everyone, and you're no longer of any importance to certain individuals nor are they to you, I just stopped.

Their presence wasn't making a difference in my life, so why would their absence?

I don'…

The Interchangeables

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To be self aware is to be conscious of your own characteristics and feelings.



I'm confident that I'm self aware.
I'm 100% in tune with my short comings and I own every single one.
Every year, I look at myself and my life and try to mentally evaluate where I should be and what I can do to improve myself in order to get there.
I find myself to be a constant work in progress and believe that there will never come a day where I won't be.



That's why I most certainly find it incredibly frustrating when those who preach self awareness the most, are no where near actually being self aware.

Have you ever watched someone sabotage their friendships and looked on as you thought to yourself... "This is why you're down to nothing...." or "This is why so-and-so stopped talking to you...."

I see this entirely way too much.

See.... I have what I consider a circle of about 5 friends. 
One of those friends I've known since I was 13 and we've had ups and…