Curveballs

I let a piece of my soul get away from me the summer of 2015.
Little did I know that life would take a nosedive from there.

Oh, don't get me wrong, there were momentary highlights but none I was ready for.

I told myself many years ago, that I would never allow any one person to make me feel lower than low. 
But... I guess as you grow and learn and navigate through life, you sometimes get caught off guard by the most unexpected situations.

He came disguised as a poor, lonely, misguided soul and truly he was the devil in disguise.
With our mutual departures, and a ton of scars left behind in my mind, heart, body and soul, I attempted to feel normal again.
Really, what I did was let myself go.
To the point that I became unrecognizable to myself.

I stopped caring about everything and everyone.
I made an attempt to move on and try something new and different but because it was forced in more ways than one, it failed... I failed.
Now here I am, starting all over again... not quite from scratch but nearly.

I saw my mother once or twice that year, not realizing I would never see her again and once that happened, I could barely live with myself.
Her loss is something I literally feel every single day.

I've faked it quite well in the past two years, I must say.
There have been moments, where a little light has shone through but immediately after all I see is darkness and fear.

It's not easy growing up, let me tell you.
You think you have it all figured out in your 20's and then you hit your 30's and you're just positive you've been through it all but man, listen... when life throws you curve balls, you have to learn how to duck. 
And when you didn't duck down fast enough and those balls hit you square in the chest (hey we're being figurative here), you have to struggle to breathe... to move... to capture that one moment right before you've been hit where everything is seemingly alright and you see absolutely nothing headed your way.
Capture it, and hold on to it, and use it to get through the next phase.

With all that said, that's what I'm trying to do now.
I've finally left the job that had so many bad memories and personal experiences attached and I'm starting brand new...... with everything.
This time has to be better, right?




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